For years after kicking bulimia out of my life, I went in the opposite direction, and pretty much didn't really worry about my body at all. I had started drinking more, and I love beer, and not light beer either, and at the time I was vegetarian, so lots of beer and cheese pizza nights were had, and although for the most part I kept up my yoga practice, and walked most places, it wasn't enough to combat what I lovingly call my Hand-Crafted beer weight. After so many years of obsessing over my appearance, I just pretty much quit thinking about it at all. Any time I did start to feel bad, I just had a beer, and shoved that thought away. I had friends, a job, and boyfriends here and there, so as far as I was concerned it wasn't like I was some kind of ogre or anything. I now see that I just traded in one way to abuse myself for another. Kind of like when an alcoholic who never smoked, picks up the habit when they stop drinking. For me, when I see going vegan as the catalyst for my current self love journey. When I went vegan, I was still smoking cigarettes, and drinking, although I had slowed down considerably. I didn't have a huge light bulb moment physically, when I went vegan, but I know it sounds hokey, but I don't know how else to explain it I felt like my heart softened, and I felt more vulnerable in a way. I started really trying to talk to people about my veganism, and I wanted to spread kindness so much!! It took awhile for me to make the connection, but I came to the conclusion that I need to be kind to myself, as well as others!
I've had quite a few people say rude things to me about not being the typical thin vegan, and I don't have any friends, and I can't remember the last time I've been on a date. The old me would be in a frenzied state by now, needing something to cope. I like to see how far I've come, because it truly is shocking. It does hurt my feelings when people comment on my weight, and honestly it does challenge me. I have sometimes caught myself starting to eat in a frenzied way if I'm thinking about something that bothered me, or sometimes I feel like saying eff it, if you can't beat em, join em, and having some drinks, but I now catch myself. I want to feel good, and I feel good when I am being healthy, and my body is kind to me in return. I don't know if I will ever get to where I want to be, and I don't know if I will ever achieve "the bod", and will I ever make a human friend again. I honestly don't know, but at least I'm working for myself, not against myself. Feeling good in your own skin isn't a privilege just for other people, it's for everyone, including me. And believe it or not, having "the bod" is less and less important, I'm way more interested in making this world a better place, and saving animals whatever way I can. It makes me think of that saying floating around the webz, "progress, not perfection".