Tuesday, October 25, 2016

My Laptop is Sick

I'm typing this post at the library, and I  really do not like blogging in public. I've never been one to read or anything like that in public. I'm sensitive to the sounds, and why are we so close to each other? This girl likes her elbow room. The reason I'm writing this from the library is that something is seriously wrong with my laptop. Starting on Saturday it just started acting out of control. When I go to shut it down, it says that there is a task host window open. And it freezes once I go to any website. And it won't shut down on it's own, I have to shut it off with the button, which I know isn't the greatest. Yesterday I took it to a computer shop, and the guy immediately told me that the problem would be more to fix than what I paid for it, and started trying to sell me a whole new laptop. He was saying all of this before even looking at my computer! He was like a car salesman on steroids. I told him that I couldn't afford a new laptop, and so he tried selling me used laptops that were still close to a thousand dollars!! He tried selling me on financing a new one, and all of this stuff. It was like three or four guys that were like milling around and offering their two cents, and to be honest it was testosterone overload, and they were talking in ways that I didn't understand, and it was just not good. So, finally they agreed to fix it in three or four days, for almost what I paid for it. So, as I was walking home I was getting more and more upset. I called them when I got home and told them I couldn't afford to have it fixed at their prices which felt ridiculous, and that I would pick up my laptop this morning. So, today when I went to pick it up, I told them that I felt like I went to a used car lot, and I said that no one even really looked at my computer to see what was wrong before starting to try to sell me something. When I was complaining this morning, all three men were hovering around, and so I asked if there were any other employees who would like to join in so I could really feel outnumbered.
The funniest/saddest thing is that the guy who was trying to sell me stuff started saying how he thought I was so full of positive energy, and how he really wanted to help. I felt like he was insinuating that he made a mistake in thinking I was a nice person. I love how men can complain and be assertive, and they get respect but when a woman stands up for herself, well we are just the nastiest. I told him that I am a nice, positive person but that I also know when I am not being treated fairly.
Anyway, now they are offering to fix my computer for free because they "want everyone to be happy" I told them I need to think about it, so here I am blogging at the library and thinking about it.
It's hard when stuff like this happens and you're all alone. Anyway, I'm not going to get all dark and depressed on you. I am in public, so I'm trying to not get emotional.
I hope everyone's week is going better than mine!

Friday, October 21, 2016

Hauls and Life

I went to Trader Joe's and Natural Grocers the other day and got my weekly haul. Natural Grocers still had the Live Kombucha sodas on sale, and I decided to try the concord grape drinking vinegar, and I loved it! I love grape anything. If I had to drink soda it would be grape, and when I was a kid it was always grape bubble gum or bust. This drinking vinegar tasted to me like an upscale grape soda. It had that vinegar tang, but if you didn't know it was vinegar, you would just think it's an interesting grape soda. I loved it!!
spinach, mango, cilantro,green onion, English breakfast tea, green onion and chocolate raspberry baton
Rice, lite and heavy coconut milk, black beans, tomato paste, sunflower seeds and chocolate
sliced bread, olive baguette, and vegan mayo
Pineapple, tofu,bananas,celery,beets,pasta, lemons,sweet potato
Remember how I was grousing awhile ago about how expensive vegan sliced breads can be? Well, leave it to Trader Joe's. The whole grain and flax bread is vegan, not full of funky ingredients, and it's $1.99 a loaf.  And it's pretty tasty too.
Since today is the last day you can sign up for Vegan Mofo, I wanted to mention that I am sadly not signing up this year. I am wrecked about it. Last year was my first Vegan Mofo, and seriously I was so so proud to be part of something that I had enjoyed so much in the past. I love Mofo time, I have discovered so many new blogs, and it's just such a positive thing. And even though at first I wasn't thrilled with the prompt thing, in the end I enjoyed them, and I think I only skipped one or two prompts. When I first heard mofo was going to be in November, I kind of had a sinking feeling. After looking at the prompts this year, I just can't do it. We are heading into what is the hardest part of the year for me. It's family and loved ones shoved down my throat, no matter where I go. And deep down I am a mushy, sentimental softie, but this time of year makes me put on a hard shell. I have spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas alone for as long as I can remember. Even when I lived in PA., and my adoptive family lived ten minutes away, I spent the holidays alone. It was just easier, and less lonely and stressful. I've already seen a few Holiday themed ads, so I'm trying to brace myself for the onslaught. A lot of the prompts for this years Mofo are friend and family related, and I just can't do it, or try to pretend. I don't have the energy to pretend this year.
I was watching some competition type show, and the contestants had their family up in the wings cheering them on, and I thought of how my part of the wings would be empty, unless they allowed cats.
Sorry that today's post is such a downer, I just figured I'd address Mofo before it starts. And to be honest, it feels good to admit that this time of year is tough. I always go out of my way to act like it's no big deal, and it just feels good to be honest.
To cheer everything up, here is Kanye in what has become THE SPOT. They love their little kitty tent.They feel safe and covered, but they can still keep an eye on what's happening.
Happy Friday!

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Things I'm Loving and Appreciating

I love how this tree has so many different colors
I used to love fall when I was a kid. Playing in leaves, ironing leaves in wax paper, apple cider, apple picking, hot chocolate, the whole deal. Somewhere along the way fall has lost it's shine. I assume it's because fall leads us into winter which I loathe and detest. But meditation is kind of showing me that I need to live in the moment more. And appreciate the moment more. After losing everything, I can think of so many moments I should have valued and appreciated. There is a blustery energy and beauty that comes with fall, and I'm really working on accepting it, and being grateful for the beauty.
And when you are seeing the leaves finally starting to turn, and then you stumble across roses that are still blooming, it's hard not to give Mother Nature a high five.This little patch of street is my favorite because there are some of the cutest houses EVER, and one of the houses has concord grapes growing on their fence, and it smells so amazing when you walk by. And then you see roses!

I always look at these onion chips when I'm at Natural Grocers. They're made by dang, who makes coconut bacon and other flavored coconut chips. These onion chips look good, but are a little pricey, and I always would rather have vegan cheese if I'm splurging. Well, my spidey senses told me to check the clearance bin, and look what I found! Patience is a virtue after all!
These are intense. Like you do not want to eat these before a date, or really any kind of social situation. They are slices of onion with some seasoning, and that's it. They are fried at a very low temperature to retain nutrients. So it's an intense onion flavor. They are really tasty. One of my first thoughts when I tasted them was that they would be AHMAZING  on a Beast or Gardein burger.
Kanye is my assistant
I've also been enjoying this Teeccino chicory tea. When the mornings are cooler, I tend to drink more tea, and I want to keep my caffeine intake at a lower level, so this helps. It tastes so rich like coffee, and it really fills that void. And it has a really wonderful flavor. I love it soooooo much. If you love coffee but want to cut back, I really think this would help. I wish I knew about it when I quit coffee, it would have made the transition so much easier!
I saw a picture of this last week, maybe on instagram and knew I had to try it. I'm down to my last spoonful of Just Mayo, and I still haven't braved finding a Target. After reading the ingredients, I think it is Just Mayo with the new label. I am making chickpea salad, and also a no tuna salad with raw sunflower seeds, so I'll definitely report on the flavor. I was actually hoarding the last spoonful of my Just Mayo because I didn't know how to get more, so thanks again Joe!
This is how I found Joan and Roxie yesterday. Roxy just flings her leg anywhere! They like to get super comfy and cozy on my side of the bed. But I guess that's what I get for thinking that any side of the bed is mine!

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Stuff Was Eaten

I've been missing some days blogging, so I figured I'd show some stuff I've been eating and cooking. I've now made two recipes from Vegan Eats World by Terry Hope Romero and both have been smashing successes. Some of the recipes in the book are a bit too much for me, meaning they have lots of ingredients I don't have, and need cookware that I don't have, but that's okay, there are still a few simpler recipes.
Lentils and rice may not look pretty, but they're so tasty!
This is the Colombian lentils and rice and apparently it's often a side dish, but obviously it deserves to be the main attraction! It's so simple, but sooooo tasty. You just saute onion and garlic with some spices, mostly cumin, and then the rice and lentils are cooked in coconut milk and some water. I halved the recipe, as she called for two cups of dry rice and a cup of dry lentils. With one cup of rice and a half cup of lentils I made a TON, I can only imagine how much the full recipe would make. It's creamy and savory and really filling.
I had some roasted Japanese sweet potatoes drizzled with this Carolina Gold BBQ sauce from Trader Joe's. I roasted the potatoes with a little garlic powder, smoked paprika, and salt and pepper.
Beet,  pineapple, ginger,spinach and lime juice

I can't stand beets. I love the color, but the taste is way too "earthy" for me. I don't taste the sweetness that beet fans talk about. But a couple of years ago, I read about how healthy they are for the liver, and I knew my liver needed healing, so I started juicing them. I haven't had beet juice since way before the incident, and the other day I was reading that beets can also help with mood elevation. Apparently a healthy liver helps with a healthy mood! If you're like me and don't like beets, I have found that pineapple and any kind of citrus, especially lime really makes it palatable!
This was a delicious meal. This is Singapore noodles with oven baked tofu. I had these noodles at some point while I was staying with Derek in Seattle, and I was surprised at how easy they are to make yourself, and with far less grease I might add. I like this dish because the noodles are dry, in a good way as opposed to dressed with a lot of sauce, or oil. I used this recipe, minus the chewy tofu bites. I just used my plain old oven baked tofu. This was another really easy dish and it's one of those meals where you can kind of use whatever veg you have on hand.
And here is Afro, or ahem I mean Brutus. She was spider catting up and down the couch the other day, and just being a total spazz. I had to play referee several times.
I thought she looked so funny here. She's thinking about the havoc she wreaked as Brutus. And also wondering when I'm going to stop putting that thing in her face.
Happy Tuesday!

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Stouffer's Made Vegan!

Keeping an eye on things
None of the cupboards in my kitchen close all the way. Well, they close all the way, but they open very easily. Most mornings I wake up and every cupboard is open, and it looks like someone was desperately trying to find something. So, I caught little miss thing on top of the cupboards trying to open them from the top. Cats!!
When I was a kid, I never ate the mac and cheese in the blue box. My mom was a "clean eater" and avoided "processed" foods long before it was a thing. It's so funny, as a kid I HATED it, I wished so hard that I could have a "normal" mom who served food out of boxes and cans like everyone else. So, as a vegan I never crave the blue box mac and cheese, but as an adult in my pregan days I did fall in love with first Stouffer's, then Amy's frozen mac and cheese. Although Amy's does have a vegan variety, I don't buy it often because it's harder to find, and also it's expensive. But, when I crave the mac and cheese of my pregan days, this is what I want. I wanted to recreate that thick, rich, cheese-y sauce and plump, soft noodles.
I've made a lot of vegan mac and cheese, and I swear that coconut milk in the can is the secret. You can even use the light coconut milk, which I did here and it is still amazing. I think it's even better than a cashew based cheese sauce. Coconut milk has that rich fattiness that makes this so satisfying. I would serve this to any non vegan and watch their face light up with pleasure and surprise. I wrote down what I did, and even though it is very basic, it is sooooooooo good!

                                                      Stouffer's Like Vegan Macaroni and Cheese
  • 1 can light coconut milk
  • 1 1/2 T. tapioca starch
  • 3 T. nutritional yeast
  • S & P to taste 
  • 1/2 teaspoon turmeric
  • 1/2 teaspoon yellow mustard
  • 3 slices FYH American style slices (optional)
  • dash smoked paprika
  • 1/2 package pasta of your choice, I used classic macaroni 
While your cooking your pasta, mix together all ingredients except for the cheese. Make sure you whisk really well so there are no clumps of tapioca starch. Once the pasta is cooked, put it back in the pan on low heat. Mix in the sauce, and stir and simmer for two or three minutes. Tear the sliced cheese into small pieces and add them to the pot. Stir around, continuing to simmer. Turn off heat, and put a lid on your pot. Allow to sit for about five minutes. After the five minutes are up, take off the lid and enjoy the creaminess and richness.

Don't be scared when it seems like too much sauce at first. You want that extra sauce, because after it all blends, melts, and cools down it will be the perfect creaminess. This is the closest I've come to that traditional, creamy mac that every now and then I just crave. The American style slices helped give it that authentic, kid friendly taste I was going for. 

This is one of those meals I make myself when I need a hug. This is something I would make for someone who needs a hug. And it took under twenty minutes to make, and a lot of that time is downtime anyway. This is one of those meals you can whip up when you've had a long day and don't have the energy to cook an elaborate meal, but you still want delicious and comfort. This is delicious without the FYH slices, they just added a little extra love.
Etta interlude
I didn't show my grocery haul for this week, and even though it isn't super exciting, I thought I'd show it anyway.
Farro,red pepper, lemons, white beans, black beans, coconut milk, pears and 2 limes
green onion, ginger, parsley, cilantro, pineapple, spinach, bananas

coconut milk, garlic, dried cranberries, beets, and one jalapeno
Ginger, tofu, red onion and avocado
I've managed to find some great sales, so even though I'm on a budget, I'm not going crazy with boredom, and as we can all see I'm eating way less lentils than I usually do on a budget! One thing I've learned about shopping on a budget is to look everywhere for deals. I discovered three different areas at Natural Grocers where they put their clearance items. And you can find some out of this world deals there. And at Smith's, a lot of times they have things on close out sales, that aren't really advertised, you just kind of accidentally discover them as your milling around. So, always keep your eyes open, and put on your Sherlock Holmes hat when you're shopping, because sometimes these stores almost hide their sale items, so you have to really LOOK!
Today is going to be a rainy day in Salt Lake City. What I enjoy about this city is that when it rains, it storms. It's only rained a handful of times since I've lived here, like under five. But, before it rains it gets super windy and blustery. It reminds me of the thunderstorms we had in Ohio when I was a kid, especially the summer thunderstorms. Power almost always went out, and we would get out the candles and bunker down for a stormy, rainy day/night. Although we don't lose power(knock on wood) it reminds me of those times. It's still warm enough that my windows are open, and my cats go INSANE  with the bluster! Anyway, it makes me have a lot of different feelings. I'm going to hunker down and spend some time adult coloring today, my fridge is kind of bare!
Happy Sunday!

Saturday, October 15, 2016


Can you handle the cuteness?
Happy Caturday! I feel so lucky to have gotten this picture, because you know how cats like to move as soon as they've been noticed. Luckily for me Joan loves the camera, and Kanye loves the cuddles, so it all worked out. It reminds me of the picture of them from my GoFundMe page! They love to watch the kids play, and I swear they love it when the kids see them in the window.
Tandoori tofu marinating
After baking served with Jasmine rice
Leftovers became breakfast quesadillas!
I made the Tandoori tofu from Vegan Eats World by Terry Hope Romero. The recipe calls for plain, unsweetened soy yogurt, or I'm sure any plain, unsweetened plant yogurt would do. I always dread it when recipes call for that, because is it just me or is plain, unsweetened plant yogurt hard to find? I had some coconut cream, so I used that and just used extra lime in the marinade for that yogurt-y tartness. It seemed to work out fine. My apartment smelled SO GOOD while this was baking, I actually couldn't believe the smell was coming from something I made, it smelled like the best restaurant ever. I think this might be the stand-out dish from this book.
Natural Grocers had these kombuchas on sale for $1.50 each! That's insane, so I had to get some. That's like two for the price of one!
I saw they had drinking vinegar, and I was scared, and also intrigued enough to try one. Don't sales make everything feel safer? This is made with coconut vinegar, which I have never had, but I can only assume it's a little less harsh than regular vinegar. When I opened the bottle, I was scared. Very strong vinegar smell, with cherry as an afterthought. It took awhile for me to actually taste it. I kept sniffing it and telling Roxy I couldn't do it. She finally convinced me I could, and it's not as bad as it smells. I mean, you're drinking vinegar, make no mistake, but the cherry flavor is strong enough to make it tolerable. For my gut health, I'll probably just stick to kombucha, but I'm glad I tried this. They also had a concord grape flavor, and one other flavor I can't remember.
When I was at Natural Grocers, they had a television all set up right in the produce section and the television was playing this infuriating video of some "humane" turkey farm, and it showed the turkeys in their "open space", moving around and then the people were telling us all about how the turkeys are treated kindly, and not fed any crap, and whatever the key words are for people to feel less bad about their choices. I of course see that this is progress, and obviously humane is preferred over inhumane, but still that stuff pisses me off. And to have it right in the produce section of all places! Play that video in the meat aisle. I was so upset. I ended up calling the store, and Emailing the company and expressed my disgust at the insensitive placement of the TV. They sure don't mind taking money from vegans who go there to shop, so they should have a little consideration. I actually got an Email back saying they didn't think about the placement of the TV, and have since moved it to their lobby area. So now that stupid video is the first thing you see when you walk in. Progress not perfection I guess.
Every time I hear any kind of crash coming from the kitchen, it's usually this little thing knocking things over in the pantry. My pantry has a lot of empty space, like a lot, but she just has to tip toe through the spaces that have stuff. My soy sauce has been knocked around so much I can't believe the bottle hasn't broken. But I love it, and wouldn't have her any other way.
Happy Caturday!

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Moving Forward

  I saw this yesterday and I so hope Cenk is right and this is the beginning of the end for Trump. Unfortunately, he still has a ton of support which scares me, but more than that makes me so sad. Isn't it insane how trashy and embarrassing this election is? I remember when Obama was running the first time, people were talking about how dirty and nasty politics had become. If only we knew! I know animals are never a priority in politics, but Trump's sons are the kind of disgusting, scared little men who trophy hunt to compensate for what I'm sure are MANY shortcomings. So, we will be taking a step backwards for all living beings if this happens.
Caroline who I'm sure everyone knows from Tea and Sympatico sent me this coloring book for grown ups, and a dark chocolate and ginger bar! And look at the adorable panda card! I haven't colored in so long, and I really used to enjoy coloring books when I was a kid. It was always soothing. Plus, I can color myself pictures for my fridge! I'm going to connect with kid me, and put on some music, lay on my stomach and color away!

So, I've been reading about Impossible Foods for awhile, and then today I read this article and I can't believe it's here. Well, by here I mean California and also NYC. I personally don't have a desire to try it, because it looks too much like flesh, but for all the vegans who are dying for this, this is your time! And these burgers are going to appeal to non vegans, and that's really what I care about. I am so excited for these burgers to take over! It's insane to me how much they look like beef. It wasn't that long ago when we were lucky to have to veggie burger options, and neither was vegan! And now there are multiple companies working to make these super realistic vegan burgers. The future is vegan.
Thanks for all the kind comments on my last post. As I've mentioned I have a million bad therapist stories, so going to therapy is kind of something I'm forcing myself to do, but like I really don't want to. I'm easily spooked, and after the discouraging phone calls the other day I was very turned off, but in the spirit of working on myself and growing as a person, I'm going to listen to advice, and look into more holistic options that don't look at pills as a first resort. It's easy to get discouraged after a few bad phone calls, so thanks for helping me to not let that totally scare me.
Happy Thursday!

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Update on Life and Stuff

Alec Baldwin killed it as usual. I mean, this election has really been constantly sinking to new lows. His fake, pompous apology was almost more disgusting than what he said. It's gotten to the point where we desperately need these silly SNL skits to make light of this insanity.
I don't have much to say today as I have had a rough couple of days. I tried to make an apointment for therapy yesterday, and there are only three offices that accept sliding fee/scale whatever it's called. And all three have a waiting list. And I get the sense that medication will be pushed, and I am not open to that. And I'm not going to spend money to argue with someone over medication. So, I'm having second thoughts on the therapy. Anyway, just wanted to give that thrilling update.
I returned my library books and replaced them with these. I'm hoping to maybe get some inspiration. When I first went vegan, I would just think of things to throw together and cook. I made a lot of mistakes, but I learned a lot too. I started learning what spices went together, and what flavors I liked. Somehow through the years some of that fire has died out and I want to get it back. Sometimes I like to look at  recipes, and kind of  keep them in the back of my mind, and they end up turning into something different, but inspired by.
I have to say that the SLC library does not let down in the vegan cookbook department.
As I said, the last few days have been pretty sad for me, but yesterday when I got home I had this lovely little surprise!
Sarah, or Long Island Nerd sent me this beautiful necklace, or pendant. Isn't it stunning? I can't wait to wear it! You can see Afro creeping at my feet, they wanted to get the chain so bad! So thoughtful and appreciated. It came on a day where I was really feeling lonely, so it was perfect timing.
I took this picture yesterday. It was a beautiful, sunny and pretty warm fall day. I wore flip flops with my jeans to the library. In October! No matter how blue you are, nature has a way of snapping you out of it, even if just for a moment.
Happy Tuesday.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Not Getting Lost is So Fetch!

I found it! I looked up directions this time. There's a little bus icon I can hit, and it tells me what bus to take, and where to get off. Now, the problem is when I ask the bus driver to call out whatever street I need, and he/she tells me an alternate way than what I have written down. I've learned to stick with my own way for now. I'm like a little kid when I go somewhere, I have the address of where I'm going, how to get there and how to get back. I also have my address written down in case I am having a breakdown and can't speak.
They had these seasonal booch flavors separate from the other kombuchas. Pumpkin spice booch sounds not very appealing to me, but then again we all know I'm a bit if a scrooge when it comes to holiday things.
I love the gold tones of these trees changing colors. Although I am dreading winter, I am working on appreciating the beauty of fall. I don't want to miss what fall has to offer because I'm in a state over the upcoming winter. I'm terrified it's going to be like winters in Erie. But these leaves sure are pretty.
This beautiful old house looks like someone might be fixing it up. There are so many really big old mansions like this around the downtown areas, like on the side streets. As I've said before, I have seen some of the most charming houses, and also grand houses like this here in SLC. I think next week I'm going to explore a little more, and check out other beautiful houses. I think when people visit new cities, they miss a lot of free sights because they're so focused on doing the tourist thing, which usually means money. But just taking a walk and opening your eyes you can learn so much more about a city, for free. Anyway, I'm sure I'll get some pictures of even more beautiful buildings. It's so beautiful. It kind of reminds me of a house I lived in when I was a kid, but our house was way in the country. Anyway, isn't it beautiful?
Frozen fries, strawberries(one dollar) baking soda, bulk sesame seeds, Justin's peanut butter packs, and habenero black bean crisps, and potato sticks,

As you can see, the produce sale was kind of a bust. I thought Sprouts only sold organic produce, so the sale for things being one dollar seemed so amazing. But none of the super sale produce was organic. The grapes that were on sale were not really the greatest quality. There was actually a line of people waiting to try and sort through the bin of grapes to find a good bag. I normally don't buy non organic strawberries because they're on the dirt dozen, but they smelled so good(weird as it is not the season) and that was the whole reason I was there!! So, I bought three containers, and I soaked them in a baking soda bath to clean them.
I got sesame seeds because I want to try and make my own tahini! That would be such a money saver!
As I was walking down the street to catch the bus, I came across Natural Grocers. Something told me to go in and check out their clearance section, and I love that little voice so much! I found some sales on par with Grocery Outlet which I miss dearly.
Crackers, FYH shreds and slices, teecino,wildwood veggie burgers, little secrets, and fizzy vitamin c.

Natural Grocers has several little stations throughout the store where they have their deeply discounted items. I have always loved wildwood's vegan burgers, even when I was a vegetarian. They're one of my faves, but I just hate that they're so expensive. Like over five or six dollars for two burgers. Natural grocers had these on sale for $1.69 a package! And the crackers were on clearance, and they had an in store sale with FYH cheeses on sale two for five!!! I had to, that is a rare and elusive sale!
I had some frustrating phone calls to make yesterday and just couldn't be bothered to cook last night, so I heated up some of those taquitos I was scared of. The vegan chorizo was not like the greasy oily kind that I've tried in the past. It was more like meatless crumbles with a kick. I made a quick chunky guacamole and called them dinner.
I wnt to thank everyone for the support on yesterday's post about my depression. I was crying as I was strolling through Natural Grocers yesterday. Someone offered me a tissue. I mean, at this point I'm going to start getting a reputation as the unhinged one. I had to deal with other issues yesterday, but this weekend I'm going to see what my options are for low cost therapy in my area so I have numbers to call on Monday.
Here's to a happy Caturday, and I hope everyone has some time to relax and feel good the way Roxy does!!

Friday, October 7, 2016

The First Step

I had this delicious sandwich yesterday using the green tahini dressing from Trader Joe's. This is the greatest stuff ever, and why did I never think of this?
If you like dill and mint, you will LOVE this! It tastes so fresh and herb-y and lemon-y, it's amazing. I will be working on recreating this dip. Although the ingredients list parsley and cilantro, they don't stand out. The dill and mint run the show here. I coated my chickpeas with smoked paprika, garlic powder and a little turmeric. This was seriously one of the best sandwiches I've had in awhile.
I'm doing something I never thought I would do. I am researching and trying to find the best cheap therapy I can find. I need help. It is very hard for me to admit. I swore off therapy years ago for many reasons, and I also swore off medication, which I still won't take. I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I guess I've always accepted it as part of me. It comes and goes, and when life kicks me it comes in full force. Under normal circumstances a healthy lifestyle helps me keep it at bay. But after what just happened in my life, I am drowning. I'm still reeling from losing everything. Like I have nothing. I have no pictures from my childhood, no pictures of relatives, no childhood teddy bear. I had a few little things that meant something to me, Dylan's food dish, little pieces of paper trash to anyone else, but very important to me. That last day I was in my apartment, I didn't take anything because I wasn't planning on continuing to live. I didn't want to live anymore. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and can't go back to sleep. I cry all the time. Like in public. I just start crying on the bus, in a store, even once I started crying during an interview.
When you talk about depression, it's so easy for people to say snap out of it. Or toughen up. I've heard it all through the years. I thought I had toughened up, and had it under control but this time I'm not strong enough. I feel traumatized by what happened. That horrible day is in a loop in my head and it won't stop. And all these feelings are coming up that I never dealt with properly, are coming to the party and I'm a mess.
I also realize that for many years now I haven't really been living. I've just been existing. It started in Erie, when I really realized that being adopted was a HUGE mistake, and that I didn't belong where I was. I didn't belong, and I desperately didn't want to be there. I'm very sad that now I have no one. And I'm beyond pissed that my adoptive parents take no responsibility for anything. I have this anger and no matter how much I meditate it won't go away.
Anyway, I don't want to get too dark on this beautiful Friday. I just wanted to say that I am struggling. I know lots of people struggle with depression, and there is so much shame involved when you can't help yourself. I know I feel ashamed, like there is something wrong with me, I can't just bounce back. I mean, I can't go more than ten minutes without crying. It's hard for me to function some days. But, I can't hide it anymore. I don't want to act like it isn't going on. That's when I start drinking to mask the pain. And I am striving to be the best me I can be, so I have to admit it, and say out loud that I am going to try to find help.
It's funny because if someone has cancer, or some other disease, no one really says "get over it" or "stop being so sensitive" but if it's depression or other mental illness there is really still a huge stigma attached.
Okay, enough sad talk. I'm sorry for this downer of a post, but you guys are my friends and you tell friends when you are down and can't get up. And now I actually have to find some help because I've put it out there.
I'll finish up with this hilarious picture of Roxy. Last night I got my bed all ready to lay down in, went to grab water and look who got all comfy in my spot!!
She's even using my pillow!!
Happy Friday!