I am really having a hard time feeling better. I mean emotionally. The fact of the matter is that I am feeling incredibly trapped. I feel overwhelmed at all of the money I will need to move myself, and my feline army. Truth be told, it feels impossible. Giving them away is not an option, and I keep trying to find a way to make this city okay in my head, find a way to feel like I can live here for the long haul, but that seems to be impossible as well. I feel so invisible. Not a person that I know cares about anything that I have to say.
Between the recent major injustices going on, and all the greed of the Christmas season, and my funk, I was feeling like I should just quit blogging. I don't think anyone wants to read about doom and gloom, and sometimes I struggle to not be mopey. This is the first time really in my adult life that I am 100% dedicated to being healthy, and it's just a weird feeling to not have a single person to give any encouragement, or to help with motivation, as I am human and sometimes I want to go back to toxic island, and having support is so helpful. So far, I've been able to be my own support, and I'm feeling weak. Last night my co worker wanted to drink after work, and I was tempted, and came very close. Not even because I wanted to drink, or hang out Da club where I work, but I honestly just wanted to say eff it, I'm going back to my old ways, because this whole inner happiness thing is a bunch of malarkey, I've been selling snake oil to myself. Other people can be healthy and glowing, but I need to be toxic and sallow. I've never felt particularly important, but I have also never felt so unimportant. I have to seek out people, and blogs and YouTube channels to assure myself that I have not totally lost it, and there are like minded people out there, and I am allowed to have the feelings and opinions that I do. It's pretty embarrassing to admit that.
I've decided that I'm not going to stop blogging just yet, because sometimes the fact that I have kept this up, even though I have no idea what I'm really doing makes me feel proud, and I need to hold on so tightly to anything that is positive right now. Plus, it feels good to vent, and share, since I just don't have that option in my life right now.
Today, I don't have to work, so I can detox from all of that, and this week I start cooking recipes from Salad Samurai, and Isa Does it. Today I will be making the Backyard Buffalo Ranch Caesar Salad from Salad Samurai. Yum.
Today I am grateful for the strength to stay on the path to health and happiness, and I'm grateful for these annoying little fur babies who are both holding me back, but also keeping me sane, and no matter how lonely I get, I know I matter to them.(seriously, I sound like a crazy person) And I am so grateful that out of the terrible injustices in Ferguson, and Staten Island has come an amazing power of solidarity with people demanding change, and people of all races are standing together, and the momentum seems to only be building. That restores a little of my faith in humanity.