Friday, January 16, 2015

I Can't Go for That

Letting go seems to be an ongoing theme for my week. I guess for the last couple of weeks. Over the holidays my ex- boyfriend who I embarked on this journey with, contacted me. He has since moved back to Seattle. Anyway, we originally ended things after I refused to dump my cats in a shelter. It was high drama, he felt I chose cats over him, and how could I. He decided to contact me, and fill my head with ideas and such. Our first two conversations it seemed like he might have changed a little. Long story short, he hasn't really changed, and somehow thought that after a year, I would be willing to stop "sacrificing myself" and give the cats(except Dylan) to some damn shelter and move back to Seattle with him. I would be anywhere but here if it weren't for these cats, but sometimes there are things more important than you. And through all of my misery, and isolation they are a source of love, and affection, and quite frankly I enjoy their company more than most humans anyway, I don't care if that makes me sound crazy. I have lived enough years to know that for the most part the human race is meh at best.  I will always stand for animals, I will always bring home/ feed strays, and I will always intervene when I suspect any kind of abuse/mistreatment. That is as much who I am as the way I breathe. So, I need to let go of this person, he has a history of walking out/ walking in and it's just so clear to me. And I need to accept that I may never be able to move back to Seattle. I am in a low income bracket, and if I really want to live somewhere else, I might need to stick to a smaller move.
So this relationship, and Seattle are two things I've realized I need to let go, the third is Robin. I have seen him multiple times this week eating food. The first two times, I just let him eat. The third time I came out on my deck, and he ran. Then, I was watching him eat from INSIDE, I was looking through a window, he looked up, we made eye contact, and he freaking ran for the hills! I get it dude, we are not friends. I so wish I knew what happened, what changed. I am letting go of our relationship, I don't want him to stop coming here for food, so I will just keep putting out food, keep trying to keep the kitty camps going, and keep track of him from afar.
It's a lot to let go of, but it's good to let go of what is no longer needed. In many ways, these crazy cats have really saved me from a bad relationship. Things came to a head over these cats, and they might not have otherwise. We might have just become another one of those couples who aren't really happy, but they stay together out of habit, or comfort, or whatever reason. It's funny when someone who you've known for so many years seems to really not know you at all.
I'm excited for the new to come into my life. A new idea for where I want to live, hopefully a new career as I am really over serving people, I need to retire the apron!

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