Monday, September 8, 2014

Kanye has Nothing on my Rant!

I  used to have friends. I used to have balance in my life. No matter where you live humans have the capacity to be awful. They can be thoughtless, cruel, and in my opinion downright gross. But when you have a little circle of your own, it softens the blow of the outside world. It makes it easier to deal with all the people who could care less, when you know you have someone who thinks you're pretty rad. It also helps keep your sanity to know that you have some people in your life who are somewhat like-minded.
I'm homesick for Seattle in a way I never thought possible. I miss the beautiful sights that pop out on your most mundane day. How many times was I on the 75 bus route going to work, dreading my day, and BAM there would be Mt. Rainier in the distance, and it was just so beautiful you had to be emotionally dead to not feel at least a little moment of happiness. The fact that in the winter there is still green in the city. I see it as a sign of life and vibrancy. I even miss the hipsters so much! I really can't believe I'm saying that but I have a new found love and respect for hipsters! I also miss all the crazy kids twacked out on meth. I think i prefer tweakers over alcoholics any day. And I miss the thoughtfulness of that city. Life for me was far from perfect, financially my life was a mess, I met tons of weird people, dated tons of total assholes, lost all my belongings and had to start over so many times I can't even remember them all.
But I also learned so much, and I discovered so much about myself. And I credit Seattle for being one of the things in my life to help me finally win my battle with bulimia. And although there are close minded, toxic people everywhere, I found Seattle to be more open minded and tolerant than most cities I have lived in. And it took awhile, but I definitely became a laid back west coaster!
I think that is why I can't shake the blues these last few days. Where I live now I see no beauty. And I am not exaggerating when I say that I have lived here for almost four years, and I have not met one person who is not toxic, racist, sexist, or in good health. Young, old, everyone has a non-tolerant view of the world, and young and old everyone has some ailment, and on some kind of medication. You know that jokey expression about what's in the water? Well I really do think about that here. I mentioned to my dad awhile ago that maybe the nasty weather made people nasty, but I don't think he appreciated my analogy. I think what gets me the most is I feel like I am losing myself and my voice. I feel so alone, and since it is a very closed off mentality in this town, I just feel awkward all of the time. I hate that I now know how much racism and sexism still exists. I hate being surrounded by so many hunters. And the worst part is that the pay is way lower here, so although my rent is cheaper, I'm not really doing any better financially, and it is making me crazy. To be so unhappy, and to be surrounded by such funk, I'm struggling, and I can't find a way to feel better. It makes me feel tempted to go back to my own toxic behavior, but I know that really that isn't the answer. I certainly don't want to end up a bitter old beast with a drink in one hand, a cig in the other, and nothing but bitching coming out of my mouth.
I'm sorry for yet another rant, but right now this is one of my only ways to express what I'm feeling. I feel like I just can't hold all of my misery inside anymore. I have to express it.
And the next time you see someone who is so intolerant and prejudice in any way, look at how ugly they are. I don't usually talk like this, but it is my rant, I am convinced that hate makes people ugly, fat, and brings on deep wrinkles that no amount of botox will ever take away.

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