Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Losing Myself

I have spent the majority of my life hating everything about myself. And I have spent a majority of my life being teased in about one thing or another. This has led me to make many poor life choices and partake in abusing myself however I could. I am definitely not proud of this fact, but it is a part of me so it is part of my truth. I think that started my deep love for animals because they are so loving and accepting and I have always found comfort with animals where I have struggled to find those qualities in humans. Relationships with animals are relaxing to me, where a lot of human relationships in my life have been exhausting. Ever since I can remember if I really close my eyes and let my mind wander, and visualize my perfect world, I'm in nature and I live surrounded by animals.
  Since I have been working on becoming healthy and happy, I have been learning to like myself and let me tell you, when you come from a place of self loathing, retraining yourself is tough! And what is making it harder for me is not really feeling like I can talk about anything that has to do with who I really am. I do feel like I'm losing myself and I'm not even done finding myself! One of the best decisions I have ever made in my life is to become vegan. I will say that on my deathbed. My love for animals is so deeply a part of who I am, and if I do say so myself, it's one of my better qualities. Yet I live in an environment where I'm teased about it, and might I add by adults as I am not in high school. And I have mentioned that I am a server, and I don't work at a vegan restaurant.
   This post is kind of all over the place and I'm sorry for that, but my mind is all over the place so I'm just going for it. When I wrote about The Shame of Happiness, one response was of course avoiding toxic people. What I've realized is that the town that I am currently living in is toxic to me. Clearly other people don't find it toxic, because it has a population so yeah, some people like it. I could write a novel about the bad feelings I have towards this town.
     I personally have never witnessed so much intolerance in one place. I have never heard so many racial slurs, and I have never met so many people who hunt, and also believe in guns and walking around carrying guns. I walk around keeping all of my feelings to myself, save for my once a week long distance talk with my long suffering friend Drew. (hi Drew) I've lost my voice, I stand up to mean people, or people who use slurs. But that was the me who lived in tolerant Seattle. I feel scared that I will get beat up or people will give me a hard time even more.
     I have really rambled and wow I am sorry I kind of went all over the place! To wrap it all up I spent most of yesterday crying violently. And what I realized when I was done is that I need to stop trying to change things for myself living here. I need to quit letting people bring me down, and instead focus on how to save money so I can move. When I am surrounded by people who have so much hate for other humans, I feel very hopeless about our world, and I feel like we will never be able to really make a difference as vegans and feeling hopeless is what makes me start engaging in drinking and smoking the feelings away, and I have come too far. So if anyone feels as lonely and  isolated as I do, have a hard cry, and think about any little or big thing you can do to change you're surroundings. Do anything you can do not to fall into the darkness. It is overwhelming thinking about moving and starting over again, mostly because I have kitties to worry about. But I guess no said finding happiness is an easy journey. And if you're getting teased by grown ass adults, try to remember it is them not you. If you are an adult and you feel the need to bully anyone or anything, you clearly need to find some inner peace. I would love if anyone has any suggestions of cool cities. I'm looking for tolerance, and not too expensive, and someplace wit somewhat of a vegan community. If you read this whole rambling thing wow I'm giving you a gold star!

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