Monday, July 11, 2016

One Last Sad Novel

I know I said I wasn't going to post again, but since I have no one to talk to, I figured I'd talk to you guys. My ex boyfriend is coming over at noon today to "assess the situation" He is going to be a raging asshole because there is nothing to see. I haven't packed anything, why bother? I'm not moving anywhere, I have nowhere to go. My cats have nowhere to go.
A lot of people would probably move home, stay with family, get some TLC, all that. I don't have a family home, or family. I won't go into the whole long story, but I was adopted as a teenager, age seventeen to be exact, and lets just say I deeply regret that decision. I was raised by a feminist, vegetarian who was liberal, had liberal friends, and for the most part all of my family was liberal. I had one uncle who was a bit of a racist hillbilly, and he was barely tolerated. My adopted family are conservative republicans who despise liberals, and also they are very Christian. I think they thought when they adopted me that I would just see the light, and take on their views and values. I tried. I did. One thing anyone who knows me will tell you is that I am very open minded, and always open to new ways to look at life. So, I tried their church, and I tried to watch Fox News and take that side seriously. But at the end of the day, I am who I am, and it is not a Christian republican conservative. I feel looking back that I originally moved to Seattle to find myself. To be allowed to be myself.
I faced so many rough times living in Seattle. Too many to even recall. I would lose my apartment, get a new apartment and new stuff, only to rinse and repeat. I believe that all the stuff I've lost is what led me to my minimalist lifestyle. Why own a bunch of stuff to just lose it? I don't even have any pictures or stuff from my childhood. I envy people who have garages full of random stuff. Just stuff that they've had, and aren't going to lose unless they choose to. If you have boxes of stuff, or even just a picture of yourself as a kid, hug it, kiss it, appreciate it.
When I was living in Erie, still with my ex boyfriend, we discovered a sweet little stray kitty that would always come and say hi. We only had Dylan at the time, so after some cajoling i convinced him to let us bring her in. She and Dylan became fast friends. Dylan was always very open to other cats. He lacked the possessiveness and territorial nature of a lot of cats. But don't bring a dog around him, cause he'll be ready to fight! Anyway, not long after we brought Stevie in, we discovered she was pregnant. When she had her kittens, I was right there. Animal was the first born! Derek started bitching right away that we needed to start looking for homes. I tried, and I talked to a few people but they were not the kind of people I would trust a kitten with. I couldn't do it. I wanted to keep us all together. It caused so many fights with my ex, but I didn't care. I worried for a second about becoming a crazy cat lady, but I realized that I didn't care. I had fallen in love. And I craved family.
Everything that I've learned about unconditional love and certain things I've learned about myself has come from my cats. Starting with the king of all, Dylan. I wanted to have a safe home for me and my cats. That's all I wanted. I cannot tell you how many dark days I've had, where the only thing that makes me smile is my cats. When I lived in Erie, my cats are who I spent all holidays with. I tried going to two holiday shindigs with the extended adoptive family, and it made me want to crawl out of my skin. I didn't belong.
I just wanted to make one last post really explaining how much my cats have meant to me. I started going crazy in Erie, feeling really hopeless. And I had no one to talk to. My cats kept me going. I knew I couldn't give up on life, because I had to look out for them. When Dylan passed, I felt so lost, and so alone. I lost my companion of seventeen years. I felt like I didn't want to live in a world without Dylan. But again, I had to love and look out for these little stinkers. I couldn't lose all hope. I owe them my life, and I have totally screwed up their lives. They will always wonder what happened, why did this happen? I can't believe this is happening. I have so many regrets, and I have made so many mistakes in my life just trying to figure it all out, but nothing has prepared me for this kind of loss. I love them, they weren't just cats to me. They aren't part of my family, they are my family.
Thank you again for reading, and all the comments. Besides going vegan, writing this blog is something I'm most proud of. In the beginning when I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I felt so stupid, but I kept making myself do it. That isn't like me. I'm a starter, feel dumb and giver upper. And the fact that I've taken free writing classes to improve is even more shocking. I am not a classroom person. I was bullied horribly by teachers and students, so the thought of school gives me a severe panic attack. And I did it on my own, with no emotional support, no one encouraging me. I encouraged myself, also new to me. In the past I only encouraged myself to drink away the pain.
Anyway, thanks for all the well wishes. Please don't send the love my way, please send it to my sweet cats. They don't deserve this.


  1. Oh my sweet girl, I wish I could make your life better. Against your wishes, I will send love and hope your way because you deserve so much of both.

  2. I've been thinking of you and your family (your cats) each day and hope my positive thoughts help in some small way. I know it isn't much but I hope you know you can email me at any time to vent. I will be a virtual shoulder! HUGS to you all!

  3. You have constantly been in my thoughts. I truly wish there was something I could do to help you. I am sending my love to you and the cats. I hope you don't mind but I've taken your e-mail from the last post and will be sending some love your way and will check in with you. Please keep me updated as I truly believe that things will be ok, even though it will be difficult for now. You are a very strong person as shown in your story and you will get through this. <3 I will be in touch with you and I will be here to support you.

  4. Big hugs to you and of course to your lovely cats!!...I hope you will be ok...I know you will...I am sure I am not the only one here to support you! Be strong.