Hope

I thought I would hop on and give an update. First of all, thanks to everyone who left a kind comment. You truly have no idea how much I need emotional support right now. And just knowing that there is anyone out there who truly understands the way I feel about my cats. It's hard to make people really understand how I feel. That's so what I need right now is understanding and emotional support.
I officially left my apartment on Thursday, July fifteenth. The second worst day of my life ever. My ex came over and we took my babies to a shelter. To describe the feeling of putting them in these crates knowing what was about to happen is a pain that I have never experienced, and I haven't even fully processed. I had to fill out paperwork, and they were so scare, and I wanted to just run away with all of them, I mean it was absolutely traumatizing. I can only imagine how my cats feel right now. I should have done more to prevent this trauma, at the very least put some feelers out to try to find homes. But I let my depression get the best of me. I was frozen and numb and traumatized. And my cats who have done nothing but bring Joy into my life are paying the price.
I'm going to be honest. When I wrote my goodbye post, my plan was to either greyhound it, or if I had to hitchhike to somewhere, who cares where but as far away from Seattle as I could get. And I was planning on checking out of this life. Because I can be a coward, and I didn't see how I could live with this loss. I've lived through a lot, and I've lost a lot. But this pain is too much. I watched every cat of mine being born, except the mom of the bunch. I watched them open their eyes, take their first steps, take their first bite of real food. And they saved me. In so many ways. I could write a novel full of ways that they not only brought me joy, but helped me learn things about myself that have helped me grow as a human being. They have by far been the best therapy EVER. And I've been to a lot of therapy.
I had a small glimmer of an idea yesterday that temporarily pulled me out of my self pitying dark place. It's a long shot, and maybe I'm insane, desperation can make people do crazy things, but at least I'm trying to fix things. Last week I was offered a job which I turned because it was too late to help my situation, and as I said I was leaving. So, I accepted it, and I am staying with my ex so I can save some money. In the meantime, I've started a Go Fund Me campaign to raise money so I can quickly get a place and get my cats back. I called the shelter yesterday to check on my cats, and they are no where near ready to be put up for adoption. So if I work quickly, I can reverse this situation. I realized yesterday that I have to fight for them. If they are my family, and believe me they are, what do people do? They fight for family. They don't just let their family get torn apart. Well, some do but most people know what I mean. How dare I be a coward and check out and leave my cats to suffer. I have to work fast because I am fighting depression. Anyone who battles depression probably understands this. It is in my nature to shut down, and whether it's drink, reckless behavior whatever I just succumb to depression. This is the one time in my life that I have to do better. I have no choice. I feel as if a part of me is missing. I am at my exes apartment alone right now, and I AM LOSING IT. I can't remember the last time I've been alone, with no furry companions. My clothes are supposed to be covered in cat hair. It's just the way it is.
If anyone reading this has any kind of platform, can you please do me the hugest, most amazing act of kindness and spread the word of my campaign? I am truly humiliated to be at this level in my life, but I have to do everything I can to try. In all honesty it could take me two or three months to get the dough for an apartment. Most apartments in Seattle have strict income and other demands like money in the bank, etc. I have to work fast, because I need to save my cats.This is not okay or natural what has happened. Here is my campaign page. If I can do this, I will forever be grateful to the world. Even though life can sometimes make me feel pessimistic, deep down I am an optimist. I like to believe that miracles can happen, and that life can change like that. And right now I am hanging on to hope by a loose thread.
Thank you for supporting and reading this. I will try to get into blogging again. At thge very least I will give updates and all of that. I left my camera behind by accident, so it's back to crappy cell phone pictures, but that is the least of my worries.
Here's to hoping!