Friday, July 8, 2016

Goodbye

Before I explain the reason for my absence, I just wanted to express my rage and sadness over the recent murders of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile. If you are a human being and watched either video and don't see it as murder, I have no words for you. After living in Erie, I am more aware than ever how much racism still exists in our society. I don't know what the answer is, because racism runs deep, it's a hatred that has been passed down and taught. It's up to everyone who sees this as a problem to speak up.
This is going to be my last blog post. I didn't want to just disappear with no explanation, I always worry when people do that. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write except for when I lost Dylan. Today is July eighth and as of the twelfth I have nowhere to live. My lease is up, and I don't have money to renew it, or even stay another month. I have nowhere to go, and I am going to lose everything, including my cats. I don't even know how I'm breathing or typing this right now. I am the biggest piece of shit. I don't even care what happens to me, it's my cats. I let them down. I moved to a city that is super expensive, and I don't have a career. I just work at shitty low paying jobs and I should have known better. I thought I was dying in Erie, but yet now I know that this feeling is so much worse. Need less to say, I will never be the same person again. I can't imagine ever wanting to write about what food I eat again. Hell, I can't imagine eating again. Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't responded to comments, I've had other things going on. The worst part is that I have no shoulder to lean on, and my cats have been so sweet and extra loving, and I've let them down so horribly. I've hated myself a million times over in my life, but nothing compares to how I feel now.
I want to tahnk everyone who has read my blog, especially those who have read it from the beginning. This blog and my cats have been the only things that have kept me afloat.
Don't ever take your home for granted. I've lost my home too many times and it is the most helpless feeling in the world. When you get behind financially, there just comes a point when you can't get out.
It was amazing knowing everyone, even if it was online.

17 comments:

  1. Nooooooo!!!! I knew something was up because you haven't been posting & today's title gave me knots in my stomach. Please don't give up. Ride the waves & don't ask where they go. You will survive this. When you resurface - and you will - please let us know how you are. We care! :(

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  2. Oh no!!!!! I agree with Beverlee, I was concerned when I saw that you had stopped posting. I know that you can pull through this and you will end up on the other side and you will be ok. As you said, you've been through some really hard times and you've ended up ok. You just need to believe that it will be ok and know that you are worth the fight. And then you fight. It will be hard but you can do it, we all have faith in you and we will all be here when you get back. Please let us know that you are ok when you can.

    <3 You are in my heart and my thoughts. I am here to support you if you ever need me.

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    1. Thank you. I have so enjoyed meeting you, even if it was online. I'm so devastated right now that honestly I can barely breathe.

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  3. Oh my friend, I am so, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wish I could do something practical to help. I echo what Beverlee and Sarah say and will be rooting for you and thinking of you. Please know we all care about you. Sending love xxxx

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    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate the kind words more than you know. I don't hear many kind words these days so it is refreshing.

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  4. You are not a piece of shit. You are a caring human being who is going through hard times. I have followed you from the beginning of your blog and I will miss you greatly. Please let us know if there is a way we can keep in touch with you.

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    1. Thanks for your kind words, and thanks for reading my blog. My email is yogadogwalker@hotmail.com I don't know where I will end up, bt I'm sure at some point I'll check my email.

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  5. I know that you ARE strong enough to get through this. Financial problems do not make you a bad person or a lesser person or somehow unworthy. You will find a solution to this and be a stronger person for it.

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    1. Thank you for your words of support.

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  6. I dont know if you are still out there reading, but why cant you go to Social Services for help and go on welfare? you are a very good writer, obviously qualified for lots of jobs.

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    1. I can get food stams maybe and that's about it. In terms of helping keep your home, if you don't have kids, you're on your own. I have tried and tried for years actually to expand my job search and realy try to find better jobs. I've taken every free class on writing that I can to try and improve. At this point nothing will save me.
      I'm no psychiatrist, but I feel it's safe to say I am breaking down.

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  7. I'm so sorry; I'm thinking good thoughts for you & sending you strength & peace in these difficult times. You are a kind and caring person, and you deserve all the good things in life.

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    1. Thank you so much. I need all the strength I can muster.

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  8. I am really sorry to hear about your struggles. I am sorry that this loss of your current home will result in you having to loose your cats. I really hope you are able to find another place, even if temporary. I hope you don't abandon this blog when you get back on your feet. And I say "when" not "if" because I believe you can. Our system sucks, and I wish we had better pay for everyone. And if I lived closer to you, I would off a helping hand in a heartbeat.

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  9. Thanks. I don't think I'll get on my feet after this. I don't care what happens to me after this. I will never be able to forgive myself. I can't stop thinking about how scared my babies are going to be. This is by far the lowest I've ever been. the funny thing is if this were happening to me in Erie, my adoptive parents would never let me lose everything. But out of sight out of mind i guess.

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  10. You are a beautiful soul, a wonderful person. I know you are at rock bottom now but know that there are people and furkids that do care about you and appreciate you! If you find that you are able to drop notes or emails from time to time I would love to hear from you! I am thinking of you often and worry about you! HUGS!!!!

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