Halfway Home

Something actually went right for once! I was expecting something to go wrong. I was so freaking scared to even walk in to the shelter. And I mean no offense to the Animal Shelter at all, but I hope I never have to see that place again. Like never.
All in all it was pretty easy, although it was much more expensive than I thought. They allowed Derek to adopt three, and I adopted two. All in all we were there for about two hours. First, we couldn't find them all, and on top they had renamed a couple of them. For instance, they had renamed Afro some goofy name that clearly did not match with her looks and personality. And poor Roxie was at PetCo down the street! Afro and Kanye were the first two I saw, and I've never seen anything so beautiful IN MY LIFE. Then, down the hall was Etta, who was so unbelievably happy to see me. She headbutted my hand and was just so sweet. It was such a mixed bag of emotions. I haven't even processed all my feelings yet. I'm sure anyone who is sensitive and emotional understand that feeling of emotional overload. I can handle when it's all happiness, or sadness, or anger, but when it's conflicting emotions, it gets tricky.
They told me at the shelter that usually if someone surrenders an animal, they don't allow the people to re-adopt them. But, they felt that being together was best for the cats. I'm so glad they came to that conclusion, because otherwise this would have been near impossible.
Today I have several open houses with apartments, and we're going to drive around to find more rental signs. I have to try to find smaller apartments that are maybe more willing to give a gal who's been evicted a chance. Unfortunately a lot of the bigger, corporate buildings like where I used to live are pretty much not an option for me.
I know I've talked about Ballard, my absolute FAVE neighborhood in Seattle. I was hoping to find a place there, but over the years Ballard has become slightly gentrified, and you aren't getting a one bedroom for less than $1,500 a month. I'm talking about studios and one bedrooms. It is ridiculous, and also sad. Basically, in Seattle I'm not finding a one bedroom or studio for less than a grand a month. Yikes. I don't know if they're doing this in other cities, but Ballard has built these buildings, and they call them aPODments. Seriously these things are 150 square feet, and they are still close to a grand a month! I seriously question so many things about life. But, anyway I have high hopes that one of these open houses will go well. Like, I have to believe that at this point!
On a vegan food/warning note, after we dropped my babies off at the boarding place, D wanted to grab food. I haven't been eating regularly or healthily in at least a month at this point, but for once I was hungry too. So, we decided to stop at this place called Taco Time. They are kind of like Taco Bell, but more expensive. So, Derek ordered his gross meaty stuff, and I ordered a veggie burrito, minus cheese and ranch sauce. Side note, why would ranch go on a burrito?? The kid in the drive through taking the order seemed to understand. So, we get our food, and go back to D's place. He hands me my burrito, and it has a little sticker that says beef. So, I unwrapped it, opened up the burrito and got to dissecting. They did leave off the cheese and the strange ranch sauce, however the put GROUND BEEF on a veggie burrito! I ordered a veggie burrito, not a meat one where I replaced beans for beef. It is called a veggie burrito on the freaking menu thing. Of course I called to complain, and they're sending me a comp card or something, but I am giving that to Derek. I am done with Taco Time, and fast food at all. This is part of why under normal circumstances I do not eat at restaurants, fast food or otherwise. I have seen too many things in all my years as a server, and I know too many bad habits that occur behind the scenes. I prefer to cook my own food. So, vegans and vegetarians alike, beware of the beef filled vegetarian burritos. I had a similar experience at Taco Bell last week. I kept hearing how vegan friendly they've become, and so we gave it a shot, and I got my crunch wrap supreme minus cheese, but add beef. And my potato soft taco was minus cheese and sour cream, but go ahead and still add the creamy jalapeno sauce. My advice to these places is if you're going to try and reach out to vegans and vegetarians, make sure your staff understands what that means. I had only ever eaten at Taco Bell maybe one time in my life before this, and I will go out of my way to avoid both of these places FOR LIFE.
I want to thank everyone again for all the kind words and support. I am barely making it through this with the support and kind words, I can't imagine facing all of this without. I want to thank everyone for not judging me. I am judging myself, and I will have a hard time forgiving myself for this mess that I made. There is a permanent void in my heart and my family without Chunk, Scrappy and Animal. But I still have something to live and fight for, and I guess that's what matters, and what I need to focus on.
I hope to have some promising news this weekend!

Solutions!

I have an amazing update. My ex boyfriend called the shelter, and he's going to "adopt" three of my cats, and they are letting me adopt the other two, even though I'm taking them to be boarded! I was ready to give up, I have lost so much in the span of two weeks, and it has taken it's toll on me mentally and physically. I wasn't even interested in continuing my apartment search.
Within the next two hours, my cats will be mine again. The remaining ones at least.
I am so freaking happy right now, and I just wanted to let everyone know that my babies are going to soon be safe!

I've Hit A Roadblock and Need Help/Suggestions!

This is another very difficult post to write. I've had it up to here with these sad posts, and I'm sorry that this blog has become such a sad space. I called the shelter yesterday for an update, and also to give an update on my progress, and the person who I've been talking to Emailed me and told me that Chunk, Scrappy and Animal have already been adopted. I knew Chunk would be the most likely to get adopted first, because not only is he adorable on the outside, but he has an irresistible personality. He is the definition of FOMO. I mean, how could this happen so quickly? I saw the cat area of the shelter, there were TONS of cats! I am losing my mind. I feel worse right now than I have in a very long time. Every morning since this has happened, I wake up and my first thought is why hasn't Chunk woken me up yet? I have been finding some solace in knowing that before long, he will be waking me up again. I can't stand what is happening.
I need to get my remaining cats out of that shelter TODAY. I can't breathe this weekend knowing that the rest can be taken from me. If anyone knows anyone who lives in Seattle, and can help me, all I need is for someone to sign the adoption papers. I will pay the adoption fees, and take it from there. It's my only option. If I don't get my remaining babies back, all of this fundraising and job hunting is all for nought.
I cannot explain the pain I feel. I cried more yesterday than I have in a long time, and that's saying a lot as my days have been tear soaked lately. I can't let myself cry today though, because I have to save my babies today. I can cry and mourn when I know my babies can't be taken from me. I have a boarding place that I actually used when I first moved to Seattle, I boarded everyone there for the week it took to find an apartment. The man is a lovely guy who has an unbelievably clean space, and kindness seeps from him. I've already called to make sure he has room, and he does. I don't want anyone to think I'm doing anything fishy with any of the GoFundMe money, but I will have to use some for boarding them.
If anyone has any suggestions, knows anyone in Seattle who might help, or anything please let me know. I am racing against time here.
I know I have lots of thanks and retweets and stuff to do on twitter, and please forgive me if I'm not active today. It isn't that I've turned into an ingrate, it's just that life is really giving me a tough go, and I'm trying to deal with that.
Thank you all in advance for any suggestions, kind words, whatever, I need it all.
If there is anyone who knows anyone, or has a suggestion, my E-Mail is yogadogwalker@hotmail.com Thank you.

Bland Fries and Life Updates

This picture looks so weird

I've noticed these veggie fries at Fred Meyer before, but never tried them. They're like double the cost of regular frozen fries, with half the amount in the bag. Kind of like gluten free pasta! They have several varieties, one has broccoli and maybe zucchini. I decided to pick up a bag after work for something quick for dinner, and somewhat healthy. I still don't have a desire to cook, so for now it's the healthiest of the processed.  I don't know how they made them, it seemed to be mostly a potato fry, with some flecks of red pepper, and there was a coating on the fries which I thought might be garbanzo flour? They were okay.

I dipped them in a combo of Just Mayo chipotle, and this sauce I found on sale. I think it's from Germany, and it's like a different version of A1, Hp, or any sauce like that. It has a touch of curry, and it's pretty tasty. I took a picture with my phone, and if you can believe it, it's been so long since I've used a picture from my phone, I can't remember how to Email it to myself. I'm near tears so I'm going to stop before I smash my phone. I will figure it out later, and show you tomorrow.
The fries are pretty bland, and I wasn't a huge fan of the texture.  But, they were somewhat healthy, filled me up, and the sauces made all the difference.
I have several numbers for apartments that I'm going to start calling today. Like I know from past experience, when you have bad rental credit, and you don't make tons of money, it can be a looooong process. I always envy people who can go out, find a place they like, and just know that they will get it. I've even been turned down from apartments for being single, no joke. Well, I guess I shouldn't say turned down, but the landlord chose a couple over me, and told me they were a better choice, because of two incomes. Better chance of not losing everything if one loses their job. I mean, I swear I've heard it all. I found one place in particular that is the perfect amount of sleaze, that I think I have a chance. You know, it's unsavory, but not too much so. And the unit has at least one huge window for the meowzers. If I go and look, I will take pictures. I have to make sure they allow fur friends of course.
I will be back tomorrow to talk about Chunk. I just woke up with the sads today, and I can't scroll through my cat pictures. I have to go to work soon, and can't get cry eyes. I can be a dweller when it comes to certain things, and I find that to keep pushing myself, I have to strongly resist that urge.
I'm almost to my goal on my GoFundMe page, and I have started the hunt for an apartment, and I think I nailed a second job. It's at a 24 diner (yikes) and the extra cash will really help. And hey, they have a vegan meatloaf!

Kanye!

Kanye in a box!

Kanye(left) and soon to be featured Chunk!

Kanye once again cuddled up with Chunk!

Today I want to talk about Kanye. She is also featured on my GoFundMe page. When she was an itty bitty, I actually thought she was a boy, hence the name Kanye. She reminded me of him because she has a certain brattiness that I find charming. She is the tiniest of the group, but she doesn't let that stop her from boxing and  rolling around with Chunk. I have very few pictures of her alone, because she eally likes to cuddle with her friends. Because of he small size, she can really cam herself into a leg of the tree when there really isn't enough room. You see, what she does is jump on the tree when someone, (usually Chunk) is seriously napping. They're too tired to really ague with her. She shares the love of cuddles with Etta.
Kanye's nickname is fiend. She earned that nickname because she is very leery of humans. I started calling her fiend, because on the dive from PA> to Seattle, she spent almost the whole trip sleeping on my lap. I was so touched, because she is usually much more aloof. She will come up to me and meow very loudly, begging to be pet, but when you pet he, she she lowers her back, almost cringes, and then walks away in disgust because she is infested with human cooties.
Even though she barely has time for me, I love her so much. And to be honest, I always understand when any animal is leery of humans. As a matter of fact, I would advise it.
She was the fist to use the litter box, and take some bites of solid food. She's a real trailblazer!
Even though she doesn't like to be touched, she loves to cuddle. She's often the first one to cuddle up with me at night. She really loves body heat! She also shares a love of water from the shower with Chunk. They love to watch the water go down the drain, and trying to figure out where it all goes! She and Chunk like to sit on the tub, in between the line and shower curtain, and watch the water. My showers are so lonely without a feline audience!
She has a super cute high pitched meow, and these big wild green eyes. And she loves kitty treats. She gets so excited, runs around like a maniac, and just doesn't know what to do with herself. I have to give her treats first, or she will lose her mind. She is also thankfully like Etta in that she is not so picky when it comes to wet food. If I have a bowl that everyone turns their nose up at, I search for those two.
Looking at thos pictures is so heat breaking. I can't believe I let this happen to them. Who knows if I will eve earn back what little trust I had with her.
Wish me luck, I'm looking for a second job today. I need to get my cats back like yesterday. Plus, since I have so much going against me, I'm hoping the more money I have, and two jobs will work for me.
I want to say Thank You so much to everyone for reading, sharing my page, donating, and all the support and kind words. I would never be able to come this fa without it. It might sound cheesey, but it's like you guys are stepping in for my cats while we can't be together. And those are some big paws to fill.

The Name on Everyone's Lips.. Roxie!

Hiding out in the kitchen cupboard.

That face!

Today I want to introduce everyone to Roxie. When she was first born, I had named her socks because her two front paws are white. But then I realized mittens would be more appropriate, and she was no mittens. So, I figured Roxie was close enough to Socks as not to confuse her. She is a Roxie. She is a showgirl, and she is so freaking charming and sweet, but she has a dark side. Truth be told, Roxie melted my heart from day one, and she's not above capitalizing on that soft spot. She somehow thinks things that would get someone else in trouble are fine if she's the one. She is grey, but she has brownish beige spots on her side, and white on her chest. She has the softest kitty belly ever. I want to hide from the world in her belly.
She loves bread. She jumps on the counter if I am dealing with any type of bread product, and just licks away. That's all she wants. I've offered her pieces of bread, and she looks at me like I'm insane.
She also is a little bit of a pill in that she likes to poop in my bathtub. Not all the time, just sometimes. One time I was getting ready, and all of a sudden a stench took over, and she just nonchalantly came out from the tub and sashayed out of the bathroom. When I said "Roxy, what did you do?" she looked at me like "I'm Roxy, remember? She had a valid point. I figured at least she found a place that was easy to clean.
She has the most beautiful green eyes that really stand out against her fur. She has the cutest little meow. It's halfway between a cat meow, and a kitten meow. She can be a real diva when it comes to attention. She will jump on a counter, and hook my skin with her paw and guide me to her. She isn't afraid to ask for what she wants.
She's the kind of friend who you can get into adventures with. She would always be the one to think of something fun and adventurous. She's who you call when you need a laugh. She's also the friend who would tell you the truth about a haircut or outfit.
She was the first of the litter to come to me, and let me pet her. She and Afro. They were the first to approach the big old giant who was cooing at them. She was the first kitten to climb the couch and lay on my belly.
Roxie's nicknames are Rudy Roo, and of course Roo Roo. She loves to hear her name. She'll give all kinds of belly shots, and sometimes I swear she's fluttering her eyes.
If she were a human, she would have thrived in the Marilyn Monroe days. I could totally see her being all coy, innocent and yet sexy, and loving it.
I felt like she knew when Dylan was close to the end. I feel like she could smell it on him, because she would smell him a lot in the last month or so, and she had a look on her face. Like concern, and respect for the elders or something. And she was the most loving and understanding towards me for that first horrible week after Dylan passed. Like she knew everything.
I'm sure everyone reading this already knows, but just in case, here is my GoFundMe page. I am getting closer everyday. Next week I'm going to start scoping out apartments, I have to start early because I have to find the least seedy of the seedy places. A place that is willing to rent to someone who has been evicted. I have horror stories of apartments I've had to live in. Like seriously stories that would make you gag. But, I'm sure with a little planning, and hard searching I can find a place that is at least clean.
As always, My heart is so warmed by the kindness and support.

On The Eighth Day

Yesterday was exactly one week since the second worst day of my life. My heart was so heavy all day, and today it's worse. Mornings are the worst. Chunk always wakes me up in the morning. He is very timely when it comes to meals, and he wants breakfast when he wants breakfast. I never get irritated with him, cause he's so damn cute. So, my morning starts with a lot of litter box clean-up, meal time, followed by a round of string while I brew my tea. After my first cup of tea, we move on to treats, followed by more string. That's every morning of my life. Waking up to nothing is so freaking hard. And I have to keep it together at my job, especially because I'm new, and I'm trying to not drive Derek insane with constant crying and all that, but it's so hard. I miss them, and I can't stand that I can't let them know that I'm working on getting them back. They must be so scared and confused, and hurt.
As I've been sharing stories of each cat, it's been amazing, eye opening, and also sad because every picture reminds me of the moments they were taken, and I just want to go back in time. I knew that I loved them, and I knew how much they meant to me, but really taking the time to talk about them individually has really made me realize they meant than I even knew. The ENTIRE time I lived in Erie, they were the only things in my life that made me feel loved, safe, and happy. Any smiles I owe to them.
I hate walking through Derek's front door. Where is my welcoming committee? I don't know how people live without a furry friend. I used to love grocery shopping. Not when the store is crowded of course, but when things are calm, I could spend hours is a grocery. Now, I hate it. How do I shop without needing cat food and litter? I don't even want to cook, because how can I cook without Animal supervising, Joan and Kanye jumping on the counter and getting in my way, and Stevie and Chunk circling my feet?
Even though things are looking up, and I have gotten so much love and support, and my GoFundMe page is doing great, I'm scared. I have to come up with some kind of covert mission to get my cats back. You're only legally allowed three cats in this city, so I need to find people to help me. People who will adopt my some of my kitties, but by paper only. Kind of like my adoptive parents, they are family on paper only. And I have to pray I find an apartment that will rent to me without a cosigner. I know this all can be done, I mean look at all that's been done already. Last week at this time I was thinking about how I was going to die. But it's all still a daunting task, and I'm scared and sad, and I just want my kitties back.
Telling people to not get evicted is kind of a silly thing to say, because no one wants to get evicted, and it certainly isn't something you try to do, but seriously, rob a bank if you have to. The lady who works in the office of my old apartment building said it's easier to rent an apartment if you're a criminal than if you have an eviction on your record. I would think they'd be a little more lenient or understanding in a city like Seattle where it is sooooooo expensive. So, next week I'm going to start the ball rolling in my search, because it's going to take some time.
This is the first time I've faced something like this without Dylan, or later on the rest of the crew. It's so hard. But when I feel like I'm starting to succumb to my depression, I think of my kitties and I make myself stay strong.
Tomorrow I'll be back with another getting to know my kitties post. I'm sorry for the downer of a post, especially because kindness is coming out in full force, and it is so appreciated. It's just that I'm so sad this morning, and I have to go to work so I had to express how I feel so I can turn this frown upside down or something like that.
I know I'm going to get my family back. I have to. This isn't right, and I have to believe all the kindness and support I'm getting is a sign that I will accomplish this.

Etta

Etta being adorable

Etta being suspicious

Today I want to introduce the world to Etta. She is named after Etta James, of course. At Last is one of my favorite songs, it is beautiful, heart tugging, so soulful and beautiful, just like Etta. If Etta were a human, she would be a Marilyn Monroe, or Jennifer Lopez, or someone who scrams femininity, vulnerability and beauty. When she was an itty bitty kitten, she and Scrappy who we'll meet later LOVED to get in my way when I am doing yoga. Even to this day, when I do yoga Etta will get out of a deep sleep to come and be in my way.

Look at that face!

She's the most mild mannered of the group. She never gets mad at anyone, and if someone is getting on her nerves, she just ignores them, or walks away instead of arguing. I like to believe we have that in common. Etta is that friend who will never judge you, and come over when you are at your worst with some vegan ice cream, and an understanding ear, and a warm hug. She's that friend who will just sit with you if you're lonely. She's also somewhat of a princess. She would stay on her cat tree, or wherever she had been napping, and demand to be served her dinner, as opposed to joining the rest in the kitchen. And she's a terrible tipper! But she loves treats, she will come running when I pull out the treats! She's the easiest to please with food also. Like I said, she's just super easy going.
She LOVED Dylan. And she made him love her. By the time these guys came into my life, Dylan was a senior kitty, and a little grumpier than when he was younger. So, he had little patience for all these little kittens running around. Etta would wait for him to lay down, and she would cuddle up to him. No matter how pissed he got, she wouldn't leave. Even if he did that ear biting thing he liked to do. (Dylan Tyson?) She eventually won him over, and he just accepted that he had a cuddle bunny for life. And whether he would admit it or not, he came to love her, and even seek her out for cuddles.
She's also a bit more independent than the other kitties, and I assumed it was because she was kind of the odd kitty out. She is the only black cat, and the only solid colored one of the bunch.
Her nickname is Yeti, or more often Yeti Spaghetti. And since I've already totally exposed my nicknaming side, I also have songs that I sing to them with their nicknames being the main lyrics. I'll spare everyone, but my cats and I love the songs.
I feel like Etta is wise beyond her years. Like she would be that wise woman in the village that we all go to, and she serves you tea, and explains everything to you. She's an observer, and she really takes in what she sees. I lover her and miss her so much.
She's an amazing friend, and I can't wait to see her again!
When I woke up this morning, I was so happy to see that I've raised a little over half of my goal on my GoFundMe page. The donations are amazing enough, and then all the kind words of understanding and support are what is keeping me going.So I will never stop being overwhelmingly grateful, and I will never be able to say enough Thank Yous. I just want my family back. It's a confusing time emotionally, on one hand I feel so happy and grateful, and on the other hand I have an ache and a void that makes it hard to function. I cry on the bus, as I'm walking down the street, just always. And I don't care! I'm too sad to care if I look like a raving lunatic!
So, Thanks for all the support. I never knew how much I was missing and needing kindness.

Meet Afro

I have s few minutes before work, so I figured let's keep the momentum going. First of all, I am OVERWHELMED with the love and support, both emotional and financial. In my life, emotional support has been very hard for me to find, and deeply desired and craved. I had come to the conclusion at some point that I'm just a really difficult person to connect with and understand. So this is all new to me, and so appreciated. This is making more of an impact on my life than I could ever fully explain. Like, for the rest of my life this will stick with me, and I will FOREVER be searching out ways to pay it forward. And in today's world, we need more kindness to be payed forward. So, even though thank you isn't nearly enough, THANK YOU!
Today I thought I would talk about Afro. I've had many people ask why I named her Afro, and it's because she was born with almost a mane, and when she was an itty bitty,it looked like she had a little baby afro. She is probably the derpiest of the bunch, so she was almost named Derp! I think Afro was definitely the better choice!

Very deep in thought

She gives my legs hugs!!

 I made a connection with Afro when she was so tiny. To be honest, I always thought she was a boy until she was a girl. She has a very sweet, but somewhat masculine way about her. But she also has her girly moments. She's the most vocal of the group. She tells me everything. She is super playful, and every once in awhile gets a little too excited and rough. She and Chink are great friends because Chunk is always up for a little roughhouse. She likes it when I sleep on my stomach with one leg kind of bent. She likes that nook in my leg. If she were a human, she would be that one friend who is always up for anything. And she's that friend who will hold your hair when you barf, and defend you when people are nasty. And she would be that friend who always knows what to say and when to say it.
Interestingly enough, she got on Dylan's nerves soooooo bad! I honestly have no idea why, he would sometimes hiss and chase her away just for walking by him. And she has a particular meow when he would chase her, and I interpreted the meow as like a question. Like "hey, what did I do dude?" But she was never mean to him, and she never swatted back at him the way she might if it was someone else. I always wished I Dylan could have let me know why the heck she was so annoying to him.
She loved to bum rush the front door of my apartment when I came home. She would rush out into the hallway, and immediately stand on my feet. She didn't want to go back inside, she wanted to explore, but she needed me right there to protect her. She was the worst when I had bags of groceries, because she was so quick. She got left in the hallway once because I didn't know she had snuck out. I heard frantic scratching on the door from the outside, and there she was.
I mentioned yesterday that they all have nicknames, and her two nicknames are Fro Fro and also frizzy Froo. I feel I might be sharing too much of my cat craziness with the nicknames, but I am who I am.
The last few days in my apartment, I swear she knew what was happening. She would sit and stare at me, boring holes through my soul. And she was so talkative. I feel like she was trying to tell me to pull myself out of my depression and save them! I'm so sorry I didn't have the strength to listen to you Afro.
I can't wait to hear he tell me all about it when I get them back. My leg nook misses her, it gets lonely.
She has such a sweet, childlike nature I hope this horrible experience doesn't take that away from her, as life can do.
In case anyone is reading this and is new, I have a GoFundMe page going to save my cats, and myself. Here is my page if you are interested.
And I will never be able to say it enough, like ever, but thank you everyone for all the support and donations and kind words. I was in a dark place last week, and didn't even know if I would still be on this earth, and to even have the hope I have is nothing short of a miracle, and I really mean that. I have a secret sappy, happy ending side and this is making me feel like I'm living in the middle of a feel good movie. And that is an amazing feeling.

Stevie

I got a wonderful suggestion overnight from Caroline who write the blog Tea and Sympatico to maybe share personal stories about my cats individually. Suggestions are awesome because my old brain isn't working like normal. It's a bit muddled. I could spend hours talking about my cats. I am that person.
I wish I had individual pictures, but alas I lost my camera along with everything else. So, I'm going to start with the one who kind of started it all, Stevie or as I call her little lady, or also mama. As I tell these stories you'll see that they all have nicknames.
When Derek and I moved to our apartment in Erie, where I lived until I left, our neighbors had a broken down white van in their driveway. You know the kind ladies, the kind of van you run away from in a dark alley. Anyway, lots of stray cat activity went on in our backyard and under that van. I was still smoking cigs at the time, and I will never forget the first time I saw Stevie. She was in my yard, she couldn't have been more than a year old, maybe less. I called out to her, and it was the cutest thing ever to see her running up the stairs. It must have been her first time. She was not shy at all. She came right to me, and I was totally charmed. She was going back and fourth between me and my neighbors, trying to charm her way into a home. She has this cute hoarse meow, like she had a few too many cigs herself. I would always hear her meow when I would step outside, and she would meow all the way up the stairs, as if she was saying, "wait, don't go inside, I'm on my way" At the time Dylan was the only cat I had, and so I started the arduous task of begging Derek to let me bring her inside. It was not easy, but I was not giving up, it was going to happen. Derek has no patience for me talking, so I just talked, and talked, and bugged and cried until he agreed.
When we first brought her in, she hissed at Dylan and hid under the couch. I was worried that she wouldn't like living inside, but a mere two or three hours later, she was sleeping on the couch and thinking furniture was the best invention ever! She and Dylan became fast friends, and were up until his death. By the second day it was as if she had always been part of the family. She had no interest or desire to ever be outside again.
A few weeks after we adopted her, we noticed that she had put on a few pounds, and at first chalked it up to more food, less running around the neighborhood. However, much to Derek's chagrin, it became obvious she was pregnant. What did we expect, there were tons of stray cats in my old neighborhood. I was stoked, Derek was pissed.
When she had her babies, I was right there with her. Animal was the first born. She was the best mom I've ever seen. She took to her babies, and she was loving and sweet from the jump.
Stevie loves her belly rubbed. Most cats I've known are iffy about belly rubs, but Stevie flops down at your feet and demands rubs with her hoarse meow. She loves crunchy cat food, and is unbelievably picky about wet food. She loves cat nip. She is also the BIGGEST FLIRT you will ever meet in your life. She LOVES men. Once Derek moved out of Erie, my house became a man free zone, and so when someone like an internet guy comes over, look out, you are getting loved and also expect to be covered in Stevie fur, cause she's rubbing your leg relentlessly.
I am so grateful that Stevie adopted me. I think Dylan was lonely, and they bonded quickly, and she brought so much Joy to my life herself and through her babies.
Towards the end of Dylan's life, I know that she provided him with much love and also body heat. She would always sleep next to him, and if any of the "youngsters" were too rambunctious around Dylan, she would swat them away. Seeing that friendship was really special.

Stevie AKA Little Lady AKA Mama

 I'm sorry for the horrible picture, but going through my pictures is like a million cuts right now. Stevie is like me in that she's not a fan of pictures, so I have less of her than anyone else. We don't like our souls taken, we are not part of the selfie generation! Although Stevie is always in my old haul pictures, whether it's her foot or nose.
I wish everyone could meet Stevie.
As anyone reading my blog knows, I have started a GoFundMe campaign to try to help get my babies back. I am overwhelmed by the donations and support. It's helping me to keep fighting. It's a battle to not succumb to my depression, but the support and generosity are keeping that flicker of hope alive.
This was painful, but yet amazing to write about her. I want to talk about them endlessly, I want to write books and books about how amazing my cats are, and how they saved me not the other way around. So, thanks for reading, and walking down memory lane.

Waking Up Alone

Up until Friday night, I hadn't slept more than two hours a night for almost a week. Friday night and last night I was able to fall asleep for a little longer, but early morning is the absolute worst. When I was still living in PA. I started waking up really early. I've always been a morning person, which is one of many reasons why working late night in bars is so hard for me. So, I wake up almost every morning between three and four A.M. Chunk appointed himself my official alarm clock. So, I so dread early morning. When I first open my eyes, I naturally wonder where Chunk is, and I have to stop myself from calling out. No matter what my mood is, there is never a day where I didn't wake up with a smile because how could I not be happy when I start my day with so much love. No human being save for my grandparents has ever shown me love like that, in it's purest form. Now, it's the opposite. No matter what I'm trying to do to keep myself sane, my day is started with sadness, emptiness and darkness. The fire and brimstone Email my adoptive father sent me describing where I will go when I die as a place full of destitution with no solace or comfort seems like where I am now. Do I pinch myself to know I'm still alive?
My ex boyfriend is one of the most unsafe people to be around when shit is going down. He's a lot of work to be around on a good day. Have you ever met someone who gets mad at you if you word one thing wrong, or use the wrong tone of voice, but yet themselves are extremely thoughtless with their words? Well, that's what I'm dealing with. No joke, ten minutes after we left the shelter on Friday, he was yelling at me because in my state of distress I raised my voice. Like he allows no wiggle room for extreme emotions. And I am someone who is emotional, and although in my everyday life I've learned to reign it in a little after all the world is no place for sensitive souls, but I'm sorry I'm not a robot. When something like this happens, all bets are off and I can't be policing every word that comes out of my mouth. So I'm trying to just mask my sadness so that I don't make him mad. He gets a certain tone with me that I don't like, and given that I have nowhere to go, my entire plan of saving myself and my cats will be ruined if he tells me to leave. This is why I prefer animals over people, because no animal has ever gotten mad at me for being sensitive. As a matter of fact, I believe my sensitivity is what draws animals to me. To give an example of Derek's insensitivity, the night that we had taken my cats to the shelter, and we got back to D's place, he said he was going to go and buy a big screen TV to mount on his living room wall. Like one of those big flat screens that are all the rage. Now, of course it's his money to spend and all, but two hours after I've surrendered my cats, and you refused to help. And I think he actually thought I was going to be like Hell yeah, let's get a big TV, that will for sure make life all better.
As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I've started a GoFundMe page to try to raise money to get my cats back, and get my life together again. I know it's a long shot, but I have to try. I have to save my kitties. We are a family and there is no one who can tell me different. Derek thinks I'm insane. He "believes that I feel the way I do" it's just that he thinks that they aren't my family, and that they serve no purpose in my life. He believes that our relationship ended solely because he didn't like my cats. What he refuses to understand is that there are a million and one reasons why we are not compatible, and none of them have anything to do with any animal. It's so freaking condescending when someone pats you on the head and says " there, there I know you think you feel that way" I mean, how can someone else tell you how you are feeling? That's some psychiatrist mumbo jumbo. As I wrote yesterday, if anyone can share my GoFundMe page, I will be FOREVER grateful, like to infinity and beyond. As you might know, I'm not the most savvy techie person, and I have no social media savvy, but from what I read about GoFundMe, the more you share the more success you have. If you accidentally meet someone who has this extra five dollars and they don't know what to do with it, and they wish someone needed it, please share.
I am going to try and make some posts that are less depressing. But I can't not be me, and for better or for worse I started this blog at a time of extreme loneliness in my life, when I had not one human who I could have an honest conversation with, and although I try to keep it positive, by now you know I use this as an outlet. So, please bear with me. I also know that it would reek of inauthenticity if I hopped on here with a freaking haul and a food picture. I feel that people who read this blog and really get me would be surprised to say the least. So at the end of the day, I is who I is and I'm doing my best to keep it together.
I hope your Sunday is happier than mine.

Hope

I thought I would hop on and give an update. First of all, thanks to everyone who left a kind comment. You truly have no idea how much I need emotional support right now. And just knowing that there is anyone out there who truly understands the way I feel about my cats. It's hard to make people really understand how I feel. That's so what I need right now is understanding and emotional support.
I officially left my apartment on Thursday, July fifteenth. The second worst day of my life ever. My ex came over and we took my babies to a shelter. To describe the feeling of putting them in these crates knowing what was about to happen is a pain that I have never experienced, and I haven't even fully processed. I had to fill out paperwork, and they were so scare, and I wanted to just run away with all of them, I mean it was absolutely traumatizing. I can only imagine how my cats feel right now. I should have done more to prevent this trauma, at the very least put some feelers out to try to find homes. But I let my depression get the best of me. I was frozen and numb and traumatized. And my cats who have done nothing but bring Joy into my life are paying the price.
I'm going to be honest. When I wrote my goodbye post, my plan was to either greyhound it, or if I had to hitchhike to somewhere, who cares where but as far away from Seattle as I could get. And I was planning on checking out of this life. Because I can be a coward, and I didn't see how I could live with this loss. I've lived through a lot, and I've lost a lot. But this pain is too much. I watched every cat of mine being born, except the mom of the bunch. I watched them open their eyes, take their first steps, take their first bite of real food. And they saved me. In so many ways. I could write a novel full of ways that they not only brought me joy, but helped me learn things about myself that have helped me grow as a human being. They have by far been the best therapy EVER. And I've been to a lot of therapy.
I had a small glimmer of an idea yesterday that temporarily pulled me out of my self pitying dark place. It's a long shot, and maybe I'm insane, desperation can make people do crazy things, but at least I'm trying to fix things. Last week I was offered a job which I turned because it was too late to help my situation, and as I said I was leaving. So, I accepted it, and I am staying with my ex so I can save some money. In the meantime, I've started a Go Fund Me campaign to raise money so I can quickly get a place and get my cats back. I called the shelter yesterday to check on my cats, and they are no where near ready to be put up for adoption. So if I work quickly, I can reverse this situation. I realized yesterday that I have to fight for them. If they are my family, and believe me they are, what do people do? They fight for family. They don't just let their family get torn apart. Well, some do but most people know what I mean. How dare I be a coward and check out and leave my cats to suffer. I have to work fast because I am fighting depression. Anyone who battles depression probably understands this. It is in my nature to shut down, and whether it's drink, reckless behavior whatever I just succumb to depression. This is the one time in my life that I have to do better. I have no choice. I feel as if a part of me is missing. I am at my exes apartment alone right now, and I AM LOSING IT. I can't remember the last time I've been alone, with no furry companions. My clothes are supposed to be covered in cat hair. It's just the way it is.
If anyone reading this has any kind of platform, can you please do me the hugest, most amazing act of kindness and spread the word of my campaign? I am truly humiliated to be at this level in my life, but I have to do everything I can to try. In all honesty it could take me two or three months to get the dough for an apartment. Most apartments in Seattle have strict income and other demands like money in the bank, etc. I have to work fast, because I need to save my cats.This is not okay or natural what has happened. Here is my campaign page. If I can do this, I will forever be grateful to the world. Even though life can sometimes make me feel pessimistic, deep down I am an optimist. I like to believe that miracles can happen, and that life can change like that. And right now I am hanging on to hope by a loose thread.
Thank you for supporting and reading this. I will try to get into blogging again. At thge very least I will give updates and all of that. I left my camera behind by accident, so it's back to crappy cell phone pictures, but that is the least of my worries.
Here's to hoping!

One Last Sad Novel

I know I said I wasn't going to post again, but since I have no one to talk to, I figured I'd talk to you guys. My ex boyfriend is coming over at noon today to "assess the situation" He is going to be a raging asshole because there is nothing to see. I haven't packed anything, why bother? I'm not moving anywhere, I have nowhere to go. My cats have nowhere to go.
A lot of people would probably move home, stay with family, get some TLC, all that. I don't have a family home, or family. I won't go into the whole long story, but I was adopted as a teenager, age seventeen to be exact, and lets just say I deeply regret that decision. I was raised by a feminist, vegetarian who was liberal, had liberal friends, and for the most part all of my family was liberal. I had one uncle who was a bit of a racist hillbilly, and he was barely tolerated. My adopted family are conservative republicans who despise liberals, and also they are very Christian. I think they thought when they adopted me that I would just see the light, and take on their views and values. I tried. I did. One thing anyone who knows me will tell you is that I am very open minded, and always open to new ways to look at life. So, I tried their church, and I tried to watch Fox News and take that side seriously. But at the end of the day, I am who I am, and it is not a Christian republican conservative. I feel looking back that I originally moved to Seattle to find myself. To be allowed to be myself.
I faced so many rough times living in Seattle. Too many to even recall. I would lose my apartment, get a new apartment and new stuff, only to rinse and repeat. I believe that all the stuff I've lost is what led me to my minimalist lifestyle. Why own a bunch of stuff to just lose it? I don't even have any pictures or stuff from my childhood. I envy people who have garages full of random stuff. Just stuff that they've had, and aren't going to lose unless they choose to. If you have boxes of stuff, or even just a picture of yourself as a kid, hug it, kiss it, appreciate it.
When I was living in Erie, still with my ex boyfriend, we discovered a sweet little stray kitty that would always come and say hi. We only had Dylan at the time, so after some cajoling i convinced him to let us bring her in. She and Dylan became fast friends. Dylan was always very open to other cats. He lacked the possessiveness and territorial nature of a lot of cats. But don't bring a dog around him, cause he'll be ready to fight! Anyway, not long after we brought Stevie in, we discovered she was pregnant. When she had her kittens, I was right there. Animal was the first born! Derek started bitching right away that we needed to start looking for homes. I tried, and I talked to a few people but they were not the kind of people I would trust a kitten with. I couldn't do it. I wanted to keep us all together. It caused so many fights with my ex, but I didn't care. I worried for a second about becoming a crazy cat lady, but I realized that I didn't care. I had fallen in love. And I craved family.
Everything that I've learned about unconditional love and certain things I've learned about myself has come from my cats. Starting with the king of all, Dylan. I wanted to have a safe home for me and my cats. That's all I wanted. I cannot tell you how many dark days I've had, where the only thing that makes me smile is my cats. When I lived in Erie, my cats are who I spent all holidays with. I tried going to two holiday shindigs with the extended adoptive family, and it made me want to crawl out of my skin. I didn't belong.
I just wanted to make one last post really explaining how much my cats have meant to me. I started going crazy in Erie, feeling really hopeless. And I had no one to talk to. My cats kept me going. I knew I couldn't give up on life, because I had to look out for them. When Dylan passed, I felt so lost, and so alone. I lost my companion of seventeen years. I felt like I didn't want to live in a world without Dylan. But again, I had to love and look out for these little stinkers. I couldn't lose all hope. I owe them my life, and I have totally screwed up their lives. They will always wonder what happened, why did this happen? I can't believe this is happening. I have so many regrets, and I have made so many mistakes in my life just trying to figure it all out, but nothing has prepared me for this kind of loss. I love them, they weren't just cats to me. They aren't part of my family, they are my family.
Thank you again for reading, and all the comments. Besides going vegan, writing this blog is something I'm most proud of. In the beginning when I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I felt so stupid, but I kept making myself do it. That isn't like me. I'm a starter, feel dumb and giver upper. And the fact that I've taken free writing classes to improve is even more shocking. I am not a classroom person. I was bullied horribly by teachers and students, so the thought of school gives me a severe panic attack. And I did it on my own, with no emotional support, no one encouraging me. I encouraged myself, also new to me. In the past I only encouraged myself to drink away the pain.
Anyway, thanks for all the well wishes. Please don't send the love my way, please send it to my sweet cats. They don't deserve this.

Goodbye

Before I explain the reason for my absence, I just wanted to express my rage and sadness over the recent murders of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile. If you are a human being and watched either video and don't see it as murder, I have no words for you. After living in Erie, I am more aware than ever how much racism still exists in our society. I don't know what the answer is, because racism runs deep, it's a hatred that has been passed down and taught. It's up to everyone who sees this as a problem to speak up.
This is going to be my last blog post. I didn't want to just disappear with no explanation, I always worry when people do that. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write except for when I lost Dylan. Today is July eighth and as of the twelfth I have nowhere to live. My lease is up, and I don't have money to renew it, or even stay another month. I have nowhere to go, and I am going to lose everything, including my cats. I don't even know how I'm breathing or typing this right now. I am the biggest piece of shit. I don't even care what happens to me, it's my cats. I let them down. I moved to a city that is super expensive, and I don't have a career. I just work at shitty low paying jobs and I should have known better. I thought I was dying in Erie, but yet now I know that this feeling is so much worse. Need less to say, I will never be the same person again. I can't imagine ever wanting to write about what food I eat again. Hell, I can't imagine eating again. Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't responded to comments, I've had other things going on. The worst part is that I have no shoulder to lean on, and my cats have been so sweet and extra loving, and I've let them down so horribly. I've hated myself a million times over in my life, but nothing compares to how I feel now.
I want to tahnk everyone who has read my blog, especially those who have read it from the beginning. This blog and my cats have been the only things that have kept me afloat.
Don't ever take your home for granted. I've lost my home too many times and it is the most helpless feeling in the world. When you get behind financially, there just comes a point when you can't get out.
It was amazing knowing everyone, even if it was online.

Peach is the New Mango?

I showed the mango pudding I found at Trader Joe's in my haul yesterday, but today it deserves it's own star on the vegan walk of fame. It's made of mangoes and coconut, and it's not too sweet at all. At first I gave the package the side eye when it suggested having the pudding for breakfast. But after a quick taste, I realized it was perfect for breakfast. I would say as far as sweetness goes, it's more like a yogurt but without that tang. I made a parfait with strawberries and fresh mango. I felt so Instagram worthy for making this!

I really recommend pairing it with strawberries! I bet raspberries would be outstanding also! This was not on my list, and I almost didn't get it, but I'm so glad I did. I know this won't be a permanent thing, since mango was obviously a theme. I think peach is going to be the next theme. I saw an end cap where they had a vanilla cake mix with some jarred peaches, and I immediately deducted that peach will be the new mango. Peaches and mangoes are two fruits that I love in their whole form, but am always leery of mango and peach "flavor" Like remember those gummy peach rings? My coworker in Erie loved those things, and some nights between the meat smells, the cigarette smoke and the fake peach smell it's a wonder I made it through without puking! 
For dinner I had some odds and ends to use, so I made brown rice and pinto bean burritos, and took it up a notch by making a quick red enchilada sauce and smothering those babies! It was soooooo good! And so filling, and so cheap!

Happy Friday!