Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I'm Up for the Challange

So, as I mentioned yesterday, today I will be starting my manifestation journal. I'm very serious about wanting to live a fulfilled, content life. I've made a commitment to myself that I will journal everyday for at least a year. I believe that I have progressed as far as I can go, and I need to heal some deep wounds that I numbed through various unhealthy ways. Something else that is standing in the way of my progress are my feelings of isolation. I've  been pretending that it's okay, and normal, and all that kind of stuff, but the truth is I'm lying to myself. The last three to four weeks have been very hard for me, and never has it been so painful to be so isolated. Not having a single shoulder(human) to cry on has been harder than I could imagine. I don't think I have ever in my life had not one person who gives a fuck. Honestly, I haven't given or received a hug in well over a year. I can't remember when anyone has asked how I am, and actually cared to know. I have not had an intimate, mutually stimulating face to face conversation, where both parties are truly engaged in so long I can't remember. I honestly feel like I left real, engaging conversations somewhere in Seattle. I can't really stand it anymore. I need to listen to people talk about more than drinking, gossip, bigoted thoughts, and make-up. So, yesterday I did something very not in my nature, and pretty terrifying. I signed up, applied(?) whatever you call it, for the vegan meet-up group in my city. I have to be honest, it shocks the hell out of me that there is such a group in my city. So, I feel nervous because you have to answer a few questions, and then wait until the organizer gets back to you about approval. So, now I'm like an insecure teenager, hoping I answered the questions correctly! I'm somewhat shy, especially in social situations with new people, and I'm used to meeting friends organically, so this is so out of my comfort zone. The fact of the matter is meeting friends is not happening for me organically. And so I am finally accepting that I have to things in a new way. I'm excited for this new chapter.
All of those sayings about change starting with you are so easy to roll your eyes at, and dismiss it as more new age whatever, but I am learning as I go through my journey that change has to start with you. And change is uncomfortable, and scary. But once you get over feeling scared, and uncomfortable, it can lead to a world of feeling better, and doing better.
It feels good to challenge yourself. 

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