Becoming Functional Again

 I've lived with depression for almost my whole life. I've always considered myself a functioning depressed person. It's always been something I've been able to control somewhat. This last bout has really scared me. I haven't been functioning for a very long time. I can see how I've lost myself bit by bit. It isn't something that just happens overnight. I can see how I've been an active participant in this happening. My soul feels dead because I haven't fed it or cared for it. Part of how I've always functioned is doing things I enjoy. Going to the library, reading, cooking. I've slowly stopped doing all of those things. I mean I still cook to an extent but I lost the joy of it. I stopped trying or creating new recipes. I remember I used to love it when I would get an idea for a meal and it would be a success! It was an accomplishment, and a way to care for and nurture myself. 

I also really enjoyed blogging. It was something I was proud of, and something I didn't give up on in the beginning like I can do when I start a new thing. I enjoyed the little community I had, and I enjoyed it as a creative outlet. 

The thought of blogging again, cooking recipes and just having something to look forward to makes me feel alive. Yesterday I made this delicious, creamy pasta sauce with red lentils, cauliflower, roasted garlic and onions all blended with silken tofu. It was creamy and dreamy. I'm out of practice so I didn't take a picture or write anything down. But it was a start. 

As I said before, Feb. 1st. is going to be my new year start. I'm gong to commit to myself as corny as that might sound.  

I am still depressed and lonely and processing a lot of dark feelings I've been having. I just want to warn anyone who might be interested in reading further posts. I will talk about mental health and feeling like why go on. I will also talk about cats and vegan food. So there will be light and dark. 

I'll be back soon with a recipe and thoughts on a new year new me.