Trader Joe's Savory Squares

 SLC does not have Aldi or Grocery Outlet sadly. I really miss those stores. I see on social media that Aldi has recently become very vegan friendly! So the best bang for my buck is Trader Joe's. Unfortunately I had stopped going there for a few years because the store here is so small and so packed all the time I just gave up. The good prices and great selection just weren't worth it. Fortunately a new store opened that's a bit larger with wider aisles. 2025 is going to be better!

These crackers weren't around when I used to shop there regularly. They taste like a cheeze-it or nip. Are cheese nips even still a thing or did the its take over? These are made with almond flour and other nutty seedy things. They're gluten free in addition to vegan. I highly recommend. They taste like a well toasted cheese cracker. They don't have the weird fake almost daiya like flavor some vegan cheese crackers have. They have a nice crunchy texture too. Highly recommend! !0/10

Becoming Functional Again

 I've lived with depression for almost my whole life. I've always considered myself a functioning depressed person. It's always been something I've been able to control somewhat. This last bout has really scared me. I haven't been functioning for a very long time. I can see how I've lost myself bit by bit. It isn't something that just happens overnight. I can see how I've been an active participant in this happening. My soul feels dead because I haven't fed it or cared for it. Part of how I've always functioned is doing things I enjoy. Going to the library, reading, cooking. I've slowly stopped doing all of those things. I mean I still cook to an extent but I lost the joy of it. I stopped trying or creating new recipes. I remember I used to love it when I would get an idea for a meal and it would be a success! It was an accomplishment, and a way to care for and nurture myself. 

I also really enjoyed blogging. It was something I was proud of, and something I didn't give up on in the beginning like I can do when I start a new thing. I enjoyed the little community I had, and I enjoyed it as a creative outlet. 

The thought of blogging again, cooking recipes and just having something to look forward to makes me feel alive. Yesterday I made this delicious, creamy pasta sauce with red lentils, cauliflower, roasted garlic and onions all blended with silken tofu. It was creamy and dreamy. I'm out of practice so I didn't take a picture or write anything down. But it was a start. 

As I said before, Feb. 1st. is going to be my new year start. I'm gong to commit to myself as corny as that might sound.  

I am still depressed and lonely and processing a lot of dark feelings I've been having. I just want to warn anyone who might be interested in reading further posts. I will talk about mental health and feeling like why go on. I will also talk about cats and vegan food. So there will be light and dark. 

I'll be back soon with a recipe and thoughts on a new year new me.

Success!

 I wanted to give an update. I'm actually still in shock and feel hazy and almost drunk. On Friday morning I was at the store getting cat food. An Instagram friend messaged me and told me to check the gfm. An anonymous person donated the amount remaining. Over five thousand dollars. One person! I started crying right in the store! Honestly I still can't believe it. Anyone here who shared or supported thank you. 

I am not going to take this for granted. I am going to find some kind of way to make my life better in some kind of way. I need to have a more secure life. I need some kind of support system and I need to be more financially secure. Living under the poverty line has taken a toll and sucked my soul. 

I got some new pens and a notebook. I'm going to not so much make plans but organize my goals and dreams. The things I need to do to get out of this rut. Live a healthier, happier, more fulfilled life. My brain has been muddled and cloudy. I've been worried, sad, lonely, despondent, grieving, stressed. So many draining feelings. I don't love planning, but I do love a good list. I love a good checking off of an accomplishment. 

Since moving to SLC I've always had goals and plans to improve my life. As a matter of fact that's why I moved here. Somewhere along the way I kept stumbling and stumbling and one day decided to never get back up. 

I'm going to start blogging again. This will still be a vegan blog, but I'm gong to write about my trials and tribulations. Blogging was something I enjoyed, and I just slowly stopped doing things I enjoyed. This will be a way to hold myself accountable since I don't have a life coach, or friend or family member to do this with. 

2025 started out horribly for me. Makes me scared of what's to come. So, Feb. 1st I'm going to celebrate the new year. I'm going to launch into self improvement mode so I never end up here again. 

Hello Take Two

 I have all but given up on everything. I have gone through my share of hard times, but I always had hope that I would be able to make things better in some way. I had dreams and beliefs that at some point they would have to. As long as I kept trying. Trying to do better, be better. In my life I had an eating disorder for over fifteen years but eventually overcame. I smoked cigarettes for many years, it took like a million tries but I quit. I went through a good decade of heavy drinking. Like I'm talking a case or more of beer a day. Every single day of the week. Quit, cold turkey. I've admitted toxic traits I have to myself and worked hard to stop those and improve. I'm still very much a work in progress, I'm just saying that I have been able to overcome and accomplish some things in my life. But Poverty is just something that I have never been able to escape. 

I moved to SLC to try and find a way out. Unfortunately my rent has just about doubled. Wages have not. So, now I'm in a city I hate and haven't been able to pull myself out of anything. As a matter of fact, I'm in worse condition. Each year that's gone by I've gotten more and more hopeless. When you lose hope, you don't just wake up one day with no hope. It chips and cracks away over time. Each day a small amount of your light gets blown out. Until one day you wake up feeling like the most dead inside version of yourself. In my case I've just let everything go. I can't live with this much loneliness and financial insecurity anymore. So, I stopped living. I've now put my cats in jeopardy. They are seniors, I don't want them to rot in a shelter. I watched them being born. They don't deserve this. I hate myself. 

If anyone out there reads this and can donate or even share the link to my gofundme it would mean the world. I have nothing of value to sell, I have reached out to any social service and church, estranged family everything. Thank you. 

https://gofund.me/5dc50b25

Hello

 I can't believe I stopped blogging. Blogging was something that I enjoyed doing. It was a commitment I was proud to keep. It also got me through some very lonely times when I lived in Erie,Pa. 

Moving from Seattle to SLC UT has really taken a toll on me. I tried to continue blogging, but my life became so unhappy I simply didn't have the energy to put on a happy face. I also didn't want to post nothing but negative, complaining content. 

I'm not sure if I'll ever come back to blogging regularly. My life is still extremely unhappy. My soul is pretty crushed. I used to be someone who woke up pretty happy, as the day progressed that would usually change. But I treasured those early morning moments of happiness. Now as soon as I open my eyes unhappiness hits me like a strong slap in the face, 

2024 was a very bad year for me. I had fibroids that were so bad they blocked my bladder. The doctor said one of them was one of the biggest he's seen. I had to have a full hysterectomy shortly after. I was laid off of my job right before the surgery, and fell into a massive depression. I've lived with depression for my whole life. This was one like I've never seen. I lost all sense of reality. I just shifted into a numb feeling of existence. I've fallen behind on rent and need to get caught up fast. In the whole time I've lived here I have made zero friends. I gave up about two years ago. Whatever job I have I'm friendly with coworkers but that's it. I have no couch to surf on. I don't want my cats to go to a shelter. 

My friend from Seattle started a gofundme as a last and only resort. I have zero relationship with my family so reaching out to them as fallen on deaf ears. I'm so unhappy. I don't care about myself, i want my cats to not rot in a shelter. My friend stated the gfm because a couple of months ago I lost my wallet and I've been too poor to get a replacement. It's that bad. Like I said, I have just lost my mind. I'm trying to get my life back together. 

If anyone reads this and can donate or even share it would mean the world. I have been able to oversome drinking, smoking cigarettes, eating disorder. But financial ruin is something that always follows me. 

Thank you for reading and here is a link if anyone can help. 

https://gofund.me/60aa07fc

Turning Nothing into Something

 

I had half an onion and a red pepper that needed to be used, so I decided to roast them along with some garlic and half a can of white beans I've had in my freezer for a looooooong time.  I also had a handful of raw cashews so I threw all of this in a blender with some nooch, salt and pepper. 

Tossed with some noodles. I needed to make some kind of homemade, thoughtful food. I'm struggling with cooking anything after work. It's been so hot and by the time I get home I feel dead. So, I'm trying to be kind to myself and be okay with having bean quesadillas or random cheap frozen pizzas from Winco. Life is about balance, so I try to have homemade food on the weekend, even if it is simple.

Like the batch of lentil soup I make to have for breakfast and to take for lunch. This always tastes so, so good on Saturday morning. Not just taste-wise, but it's like my body is just so happy. I think it's less about nutrients and maybe more about feeling some self love. Homemade food is better for the soul I think. It's just an added bonus that it's also healthier for the body.

I haven't forgotten about my commitment to myself to get some help, firstly with therapy. It isn't in the old budget yet, I'm still struggling to play catch up but I have been struggling with some very bad dark thoughts and anxiety. I saw a poster in the back offering some kind of therapy for employees, but it seemed to be work related like maybe if your coworkers are driving you crazy or something. So, I asked the HR person about it, and she is checking on this and other resources for me. That's definitely a big step for me, but I have to try something. 

I'll be back next weekend, I hope everyone has a good week!

Brave Robot + CoolHaus Vegan Ice Cream Sandwiches

 

It's been in the high nineties for awhile, and now we're hitting one hundred plus here in SLC. I hate it so, s much. Yesterday after work I decided to treat myself to whatever ice cold dessert that was on sale and sounded good. These were on sale and cheaper than any other vegan frozen treat. I've been uninterested in trying Brave Robot ice cream, because it's always really expensive, and also they use vegan whey and it seems unnecessary and weirds me out. Plus, I think vegan ice cream has always been pretty good, even way back in the day so again, unnecessary.But since I am a gal on a budget I try what the sales are. 

 The ice cream is pretty creamy, but no creamier than any other vegan ice cream I've tried. The cookies are nice and chocolate-y, but the mint ice cream is really, really lacking in flavor. It's like essence of mint. I like really strong minty things. I give them a six out of ten. I definitely wouldn't go out of my way to buy these again, but if on sale I would. 

Kiki is still Betty's biggest stalker. She's gotten a bit better, and a bit less angry but she still chases Betty any chance she can get. Here, she's trying to stalk Betty out of the box, when she doesn't even like boxes to begin with.

What I Ate and Will Eat

 

My first smoothie in well over a year! I still make a juice almost every day, but smoothies haven't been my thing. But something about the heat in the morning has changed that. I made this with some mango, an avocado, strawberries and pineapple. The avocado and mango made it really smooth and creamy. I'll definitely make this combo again. Summer is here, and we are starting the day out at eighty plus degrees and rising. Blech. 

After I cleaned and had my smoothie, I threw these potatoes in the oven for breakfast after yoga. I really wanted ketchup but only had veganaise. Still very delicious.

 Awhile ago I bought these instant noodles with curry flavor. The brand has a sesame flavor which I've had and are vegan, so I assumed these were too. But of course not. The noodles are vegan, the seasoning packet has milk. So, last night I used the noodles cold sesame noodles and added baked tofu, cucumber and radish. This was so easy, but it felt like I made myself something fancier. 

Bread, strawberries, watermelon, green grapes, green onion, tortillas, tofurky slices, chocolate covered quinoa, Bitchen sauce, avocado,chocolate, baby cucumbers,garlic hummus, peanut butter,Chao slices, tofu

 My haul for the week. Turns out Independence day weekend is a great weekend for cheap produce! Smith's has personal watermelons on sale for $.99 each! Green grapes and strawberries were also on a great sale!

The Quinoa crisps and bitchen sauce were on a woohoo last chance sale, so that helped a lot. I did regret buying two watermelons about halfway on my walk home. Although I'm happy they are only personal watermelons!

Today I'm going to prep my homemade frozen burritos for work next week. I have some rice cooling down, and I'm going to assemble and individually wrap them in foil so they're ready to go. I feel content and happy doing this little task. I've never really had a job where I get an actual calm lunch break. So thinking of stuff to eat has been fun. This weekend has been calming in that way. I've been puttering around doing little deep cleaning tasks and I find it soothing. And it's a good release of emotion. You can cry and scrub really hard and it's therapy and a Ms. Clean level scrub!

 

 

 

and creamy. I will defin

Week Two Done and Dusted!

 I made it through week two! I was actually doing work too, not just training. I was entering order numbers with instructions into two or three different programs, all while using two monitors!! I can't believe these words are even coming from me! I'm sure next week they'll up the difficulty a bit, but I'm not as anxious as I was, because I never thought I would be able to figure out what I was doing last week, but I did. I really surprised myself to be honest. 

The biggest accomplishment for me is that I didn't give up before I even had a chance to fail. I've done that so many times in my life. I'm really grateful that everyone in the office is so nice, and I guess I feel safe. I've felt a lot of things at other jobs, safe isn't really a normal one for me. It feels nice. 

I'm still struggling with meals. Even though my job is only two and a half miles from where I live, I have to either walk or take two buses, so my commute is close to an hour. Isn't that dumb/ If I had a car it would be ten minutes, fifteen tops. 

I made a cold potato salad with white beans for protein last week to take for lunches, but it is so freaking cold in that building I struggled with a cold meal. I need warm lunches! 

I didn't know these existed until I stumbled across them at Winco at a really great price. So far Amy's are the best and least soggy frozen burrito. 

I'm going to make my own frozen burritos this weekend. One of the many perks of an office job is a three day weekend! Even though I don't really feel the Independence vibe as a woman this year. So, my celebration will be trying to cook some delicious food for myself. 

The only bad thing about working Monday through Friday is that I don't see a trip to Trader Joe's in my future. Luckily Smith's/Kroger?Fred Meyer has gotten really vegan friendly over the years. 

I'll be back tomorrow with a little Smith's haul. Hopefully some deeper thoughts too. This week has been pretty great, but I did have someone hurt my feelings and the loneliness and needing a hug or something was strong for a few days. I'm still a little foggy today, but feeling better.

Thanks again for reading and all the kind words!
 

Small Smith's Haul

Red lentils, baby red potatoes, vegan deli slices, salsa, green onion, English muffins, vegan yogurt, onions, Impossible sausage, vegan oyster sauce, strawberries, oranges, white beans, taco style beans, soy sauce, soymilk, hokkien noodles, hot and sour soup (both clearance)

 I went to Smith's this morning for a few groceries. Last week I was unprepared or I should say I just didn't prep anything because it was my first week and I was too nervous to think about food. I relied on microwave frozen burritos that I found on sale. Most of them tasted okay, but I don't like that soggy texture. Dare I say moist? (cringe) Since meal prepping never works for me, I'm going to make a few things for easy lunches, and I'm going to prep a few things for easier cooking. If I don't have to dice an onion and mince garlic I'm more likely to make an actual meal for dinner. I think making meals for myself, and having tastier food will help with my overall mood and mental state for my second week.

Betty's first cuddle!!

Out of all the girls, Floofy has been the most receptive to Betty, but this was a first! I'm not sure who was there first, but they were like this when I got home from the store! Progress happening all over here, as we regress as a country!