The First Step

I had this delicious sandwich yesterday using the green tahini dressing from Trader Joe's. This is the greatest stuff ever, and why did I never think of this?

If you like dill and mint, you will LOVE this! It tastes so fresh and herb-y and lemon-y, it's amazing. I will be working on recreating this dip. Although the ingredients list parsley and cilantro, they don't stand out. The dill and mint run the show here. I coated my chickpeas with smoked paprika, garlic powder and a little turmeric. This was seriously one of the best sandwiches I've had in awhile.
I'm doing something I never thought I would do. I am researching and trying to find the best cheap therapy I can find. I need help. It is very hard for me to admit. I swore off therapy years ago for many reasons, and I also swore off medication, which I still won't take. I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I guess I've always accepted it as part of me. It comes and goes, and when life kicks me it comes in full force. Under normal circumstances a healthy lifestyle helps me keep it at bay. But after what just happened in my life, I am drowning. I'm still reeling from losing everything. Like I have nothing. I have no pictures from my childhood, no pictures of relatives, no childhood teddy bear. I had a few little things that meant something to me, Dylan's food dish, little pieces of paper trash to anyone else, but very important to me. That last day I was in my apartment, I didn't take anything because I wasn't planning on continuing to live. I didn't want to live anymore. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and can't go back to sleep. I cry all the time. Like in public. I just start crying on the bus, in a store, even once I started crying during an interview.
When you talk about depression, it's so easy for people to say snap out of it. Or toughen up. I've heard it all through the years. I thought I had toughened up, and had it under control but this time I'm not strong enough. I feel traumatized by what happened. That horrible day is in a loop in my head and it won't stop. And all these feelings are coming up that I never dealt with properly, are coming to the party and I'm a mess.
I also realize that for many years now I haven't really been living. I've just been existing. It started in Erie, when I really realized that being adopted was a HUGE mistake, and that I didn't belong where I was. I didn't belong, and I desperately didn't want to be there. I'm very sad that now I have no one. And I'm beyond pissed that my adoptive parents take no responsibility for anything. I have this anger and no matter how much I meditate it won't go away.
Anyway, I don't want to get too dark on this beautiful Friday. I just wanted to say that I am struggling. I know lots of people struggle with depression, and there is so much shame involved when you can't help yourself. I know I feel ashamed, like there is something wrong with me, I can't just bounce back. I mean, I can't go more than ten minutes without crying. It's hard for me to function some days. But, I can't hide it anymore. I don't want to act like it isn't going on. That's when I start drinking to mask the pain. And I am striving to be the best me I can be, so I have to admit it, and say out loud that I am going to try to find help.
It's funny because if someone has cancer, or some other disease, no one really says "get over it" or "stop being so sensitive" but if it's depression or other mental illness there is really still a huge stigma attached.
Okay, enough sad talk. I'm sorry for this downer of a post, but you guys are my friends and you tell friends when you are down and can't get up. And now I actually have to find some help because I've put it out there.
I'll finish up with this hilarious picture of Roxy. Last night I got my bed all ready to lay down in, went to grab water and look who got all comfy in my spot!!

She's even using my pillow!!

Happy Friday!