Small Smith's Haul

Red lentils, baby red potatoes, vegan deli slices, salsa, green onion, English muffins, vegan yogurt, onions, Impossible sausage, vegan oyster sauce, strawberries, oranges, white beans, taco style beans, soy sauce, soymilk, hokkien noodles, hot and sour soup (both clearance)

 I went to Smith's this morning for a few groceries. Last week I was unprepared or I should say I just didn't prep anything because it was my first week and I was too nervous to think about food. I relied on microwave frozen burritos that I found on sale. Most of them tasted okay, but I don't like that soggy texture. Dare I say moist? (cringe) Since meal prepping never works for me, I'm going to make a few things for easy lunches, and I'm going to prep a few things for easier cooking. If I don't have to dice an onion and mince garlic I'm more likely to make an actual meal for dinner. I think making meals for myself, and having tastier food will help with my overall mood and mental state for my second week.

Betty's first cuddle!!

Out of all the girls, Floofy has been the most receptive to Betty, but this was a first! I'm not sure who was there first, but they were like this when I got home from the store! Progress happening all over here, as we regress as a country!

Whew, My First Week!

 

Well, I made it thorough my first week at my new job! This sweet boy belongs to someone who I work with, and his name is Otis. He brought me a lot of comfort on a day when I really needed it! 

The good news is that everyone is really, really nice. I work in a department with three ladies who are really, really great. I lucked into a job with like minded people which I've really never had. It's a very nice and supportive work environment. 

This is my little office space and also the bad news. You guys, two monitors? I didn't know this was a thing people did. I guess other than gamers and super computer-y people. So, it's been overwhelming learning the programs and all the things. I mean, I haven't even come close to learning all the things. I have come home and cried every night of the week, but I haven't cried at work and I haven't given up. By nature I'm a crier, so it really isn't that big of a deal. I'd rather be crying because I'm learning something new from nice people than crying because I'm miserable around toxic people.

Someone who designs the tags and signs is really good at puns. Noah Zark, Kent Swim. There are a lot on the website too. 

I was hoping to share some food, but I have lived on sad, soggy ass microwave burritos for lunch, and various whatevers for dinner. Tomorrow I'm going to prep some things like onions and garlic and press some tofu so that it's easier to cook when I come home. Also, prep some lunches because frozen burritos aren't the best. 

This was the best of the bunch that I tried. The tortilla didn't really sog up, and the flavor was really, really good. But my problem with all of Amy's products is always the price. I found this somewhere on sale, so I would buy again if on sale. But it's pretty small so it's not worth the full price in my budget life opinion. 

Joan being the sleepiest girl!

Monday Monday

 Today I've been reflecting on the past month and a half and how emotional and chaotic it's been. Somehow I've come out on the other end, and tomorrow I start my new job and hopefully a fresh start. 

I'm scared of how low I let myself go. And I'm scared of it happening again. That's why my mental health is my number one priority. As soon as I'm caught up and have a budget I will be seeking therapy. It feels so strange to say those two words. When you live paycheck to paycheck there's no budgeting, there's only hoping you'll get by another month. 

As I mentioned in previous posts I'm going to use this blog to hold myself accountable. I want to continue to move forward. That means mental health and also more education. Even though this job is customer service but different, it's still customer service which I couldn't be more sick of. So, I need to better myself in some way so I can do more. 

I'm hoping to blog maybe once during the week and then on weekends. Talking about the highs and lows and struggles and victories. And of course cats and vegan food. 

Thanks for being there and being supportive. Loneliness is something that weighs on you and gets worse over time. It's scary and incredibly sad. 

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Roxy wanted to remind everyone she's the cutest!

The Highs and Lows

I saw the signs from last week this morning on my walk and had to take a picture. I wonder how many other people these signs have helped? I know it might sound silly, but when you have no cheerleaders in your life, random signs really make a difference. 

I have had some highs and lows over the past twenty four hours. I got the job I wanted yesterday. I went in telling myself this job is mine and I'm taking it! The interview must have gone as great as I felt it did because they offered me the job right away! I start next week. It's called Coller Industries, they make name tags and things like that. So, while it is customer service, it's mostly phone and online. And we mostly deal with businesses not so much the public at large. It's a small business, and I get the sense that it is a very nice and supportive work environment. It also pays what is a livable wage for me, maybe not for someone with more expenses, but for me I will be comfortable. I'm honestly most excited about working in a non toxic work environment. I've never had a job that is non toxic and pays me enough to live without having to dig in my couch for rent change. I'm so grateful. I decided to walk home from the interview because it wasn't super hot yet, and I had that excited energy that i needed to burn. The place is a little more than two miles from my apartment, and I think I had a goofy grin the whole time! It's been awhile since I've had a goofy grin so I'm not complaining!

Things are mostly looking up for me, my landlord however has decided not to work with me, and I have until Thursday to pay my rent. I was hoping she would work out some easier solution, but I've lived her a long time and she's never been reasonable. I can complain about her all I want, but ultimately I know how she is and what the hell did I expect? 

Berating myself doesn't help, and I can't let myself go backwards because that's what got me here. It can only get worse. I have to share my GoFundMe again. I have to do what I can to get out of this jam and I just don't know what else to do. 

It's like I'm almost there, there's just this huge hurdle in my way. I hope I can make it over the hurdle and become a success story. It can be a modest success story, but I need life to be more than it has. 

Thank you all for your support in whatever way. I appreciate the kind comments. I appreciate people believing in me. I'm trying to believe in myself, but it isn't something I've really ever done, and life has been so sad and chaotic it's not the easiest. 

 https://gofund.me/fd79a459

Moving Forward

 I wanted to share some good news. This past Sunday I was feeling very alone, scared and hopeless. I felt like nothing matters. later in the day, I got a GoFundMe donation, which made me work on telling myself that I matter to someone, someone who doesn't even know me. It was enough to pull me out of that dark place. The next morning I was coming home from my walk and there were two signs in someone's lawn. One said You Matter and the other said Don't Give Up. I started crying believe it or not. I got home and felt more motivated, chipper and energetic than I have in a very, very long time. I think for me the most important feeling that I felt was hope. No matter how down on my luck I've been in the past, I've always had a glimmer of hope for brighter days. That glimmer has been gone for so long and it was killing me. 

So, later that same day I scheduled an interview for a job that pays a livable wage for me. It also is still in the customer service realm, but it's not retail or restaurant or any of those things. The company makes name tags and things like that so I think it's more dealing with companies on the phone and on the webz. It's not too far from where I live so transportation is doable. I think this can be a job that doesn't make me dread life, and pays me enough to pay bills and have a bit extra. Where every cent I have to spend isn't so scary because I don't have enough cents to go around. 

I am going to give this interview my ALL. I still feel a slight glimmer of hope and I am protecting it. 

Moving forward, I hope to start Blogging again. But it isn't going to only be about food. Veganism is a huge part of my life and always will be so this will be food forward I guess? But I also want to talk about my struggles and what I am doing to help myself with those struggles. I want to do this for a couple of reasons. The first being to hold myself accountable. It case I hate this job, I still want to be working on myself. I want to get mental health help, and I want to get some further education so I can have more choices and get some financial stability in my life. It can be easy for me to get lost in my depression, and just kind of go to work and other than that not move forward. So I think this will help. I never want to be in a low place like this again. The second reason is because I know I'm not the only person who struggles financially, with mental health and maybe even health issues. So I'm hoping maybe I'll figure something out and be able to pass that along, or even if I do actually make myself aa success maybe that can give someone else hope. Loneliness and hopelessness are two of the worst and most dangerous ways to feel. 

I guess I have a third reason to share. I want anyone who has donated to see where their donation is going. Getting to keep my home and ensure a better future are number one to me right now. 

My interview is Friday morning, so wish me luck! I will definitely report back, and hopefully this is the first of many positive changes.

My GoFundMe is here if anyone is interested. https://gofund.me/fd79a459

Betty!

 This is the newest member of the family! Her name is Betty, named after my favorite grandma. I don't know if you guys remember Bubba, the grumpy alley cat I adopted? Unfortunately in February he very suddenly got sick and passed. Betty is one of the many neighborhood homeless kitties I feed, and she was very small and skinny. She also has very short hair so I worried for her in the winter. I worry for all of them, but Betty was very friendly, and would sit on the rail of the balcony looking longingly in my window. 

Toy Box Nappin!

Most of the girls have accepted her, or just choose to ignore her. Joan sometimes gets weird, but like with Bubba, Kiki has all the problems. But where Bubba was happy avoiding kiki or running away, Betty is feisty and chases and punches back. Luckily it's not serious fighting. Betty has the sweetest little personality and I'm so glad she's safe. 

I want to thank everyone for even checking for my post, and thanks to anyone who donated to my GoFundMe. The support means more than anything. When I first had my falling out with my family, I thought not having any family wouldn't be a big deal since I wasn't close to them in the first place. In Seattle where I had more friends it was a bit easier. But moving to Utah has been very isolating for me. I don't love it or even like it here, and everything has just been one struggle after one struggle and feeling so bitterly alone has taken a toll.  

But I'm looking towards the future that I if I work hard might be bright and pull me out of this darkness I've been in for years if I'm really honest.

https://gofund.me/fd79a459

It's Been So Long

 I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've blogged. Not only have I not blogged, I've kind of just fallen off from the community. I've started and deleted so many posts over the months. 

My mental health has been rapidly declining and I haven't really been cooking anything new or exciting. I also just don't have the energy to kind of act happy I guess. But I also didn't want this to be a place where I cry and bring others down. 

With groceries getting more expensive, and then my creativity totally zapped, I guess I feel like I don't have much to add to the community right now. I don't even have any budget tips to share because my mind is just muddled. 

I feel like an ass because I've fallen off the face of the earth, and now I'm coming on here asking for help. I am in a jam and I have started a GoFundMe to try and help. I desperately want to better my life so that I don't get into these pickles anymore. Between my mental health and my inability to get paid a livable wage this always happens to me. 

I have tried to reach out to my family and beg them for help regarding mental health help and also taking classes to gain a skill but I have been ghosted. 

I don't know what else to do, I am scared, alone and desperate and it has come to this. 

I am going to post my gofundme link here. https://gofund.me/fd79a459 If you are so inclined and able I would love anyone to take a glance. I have had several job interviews so I am working on getting out of this funk, it's just that I need help to get out of this immediate jam, and I desperately need to be able to better my life. It feels pointless to keep trying if I can't get my head right, and if I can't find a more fulfilling in every way job.

Thank you and I hope one day I'll be better and back to blogging. I'm also going to turn comments off which I know some might consider a wimp move, and I guess it is but I am very sad, ashamed, scared and fragile so I just can't handle being told what a loser I am.