Up until Friday night, I hadn't slept more than two hours a night for almost a week. Friday night and last night I was able to fall asleep for a little longer, but early morning is the absolute worst. When I was still living in PA. I started waking up really early. I've always been a morning person, which is one of many reasons why working late night in bars is so hard for me. So, I wake up almost every morning between three and four A.M. Chunk appointed himself my official alarm clock. So, I so dread early morning. When I first open my eyes, I naturally wonder where Chunk is, and I have to stop myself from calling out. No matter what my mood is, there is never a day where I didn't wake up with a smile because how could I not be happy when I start my day with so much love. No human being save for my grandparents has ever shown me love like that, in it's purest form. Now, it's the opposite. No matter what I'm trying to do to keep myself sane, my day is started with sadness, emptiness and darkness. The fire and brimstone Email my adoptive father sent me describing where I will go when I die as a place full of destitution with no solace or comfort seems like where I am now. Do I pinch myself to know I'm still alive?
My ex boyfriend is one of the most unsafe people to be around when shit is going down. He's a lot of work to be around on a good day. Have you ever met someone who gets mad at you if you word one thing wrong, or use the wrong tone of voice, but yet themselves are extremely thoughtless with their words? Well, that's what I'm dealing with. No joke, ten minutes after we left the shelter on Friday, he was yelling at me because in my state of distress I raised my voice. Like he allows no wiggle room for extreme emotions. And I am someone who is emotional, and although in my everyday life I've learned to reign it in a little after all the world is no place for sensitive souls, but I'm sorry I'm not a robot. When something like this happens, all bets are off and I can't be policing every word that comes out of my mouth. So I'm trying to just mask my sadness so that I don't make him mad. He gets a certain tone with me that I don't like, and given that I have nowhere to go, my entire plan of saving myself and my cats will be ruined if he tells me to leave. This is why I prefer animals over people, because no animal has ever gotten mad at me for being sensitive. As a matter of fact, I believe my sensitivity is what draws animals to me. To give an example of Derek's insensitivity, the night that we had taken my cats to the shelter, and we got back to D's place, he said he was going to go and buy a big screen TV to mount on his living room wall. Like one of those big flat screens that are all the rage. Now, of course it's his money to spend and all, but two hours after I've surrendered my cats, and you refused to help. And I think he actually thought I was going to be like Hell yeah, let's get a big TV, that will for sure make life all better.
As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I've started a GoFundMe page to try to raise money to get my cats back, and get my life together again. I know it's a long shot, but I have to try. I have to save my kitties. We are a family and there is no one who can tell me different. Derek thinks I'm insane. He "believes that I feel the way I do" it's just that he thinks that they aren't my family, and that they serve no purpose in my life. He believes that our relationship ended solely because he didn't like my cats. What he refuses to understand is that there are a million and one reasons why we are not compatible, and none of them have anything to do with any animal. It's so freaking condescending when someone pats you on the head and says " there, there I know you think you feel that way" I mean, how can someone else tell you how you are feeling? That's some psychiatrist mumbo jumbo. As I wrote yesterday, if anyone can share my GoFundMe page, I will be FOREVER grateful, like to infinity and beyond. As you might know, I'm not the most savvy techie person, and I have no social media savvy, but from what I read about GoFundMe, the more you share the more success you have. If you accidentally meet someone who has this extra five dollars and they don't know what to do with it, and they wish someone needed it, please share.
I am going to try and make some posts that are less depressing. But I can't not be me, and for better or for worse I started this blog at a time of extreme loneliness in my life, when I had not one human who I could have an honest conversation with, and although I try to keep it positive, by now you know I use this as an outlet. So, please bear with me. I also know that it would reek of inauthenticity if I hopped on here with a freaking haul and a food picture. I feel that people who read this blog and really get me would be surprised to say the least. So at the end of the day, I is who I is and I'm doing my best to keep it together.
I hope your Sunday is happier than mine.