Well, I woke up this morning to the super cheerful pictures of all different kinds of people rolling around on the floor, kicking each others asses over discounted whatever at Wal-Mart. (It's always Wal-Mart) This went down on Thanksliving, I repeat Thanksliving!!! I wonder why when all of these religious groups go on and on about "family, Christian values, they never address this stuff. It sure doesn't really sing of family values to me to quickly scarf down some food, and then go throw down at our local Wal-Mart.
When I lived in Seattle, I found it easier to chuckle at the Black Friday insanity. It wasn't that no one in Seattle was insane, it was just that at least in my experience, they were more the minority, so it was like this weird sub species of humans that actually get physical over stuff at a store. Sadly, I don't get that same humor from it now because of two main things, the first being I kind of live in a Wal-Mart kind of town, so it's the norm, and the second is I am all isolated in my feelings. I don't know anyone that I can have a good laugh with. I will probably hear at least two Thanksgiving shopping stories today, if I'm lucky, only two.
Tuesday, the day I woke up to the news about Ferguson, I thank the universe had the day off from work, however I had some errands to run, and I did not run them, because I take public transportation, and I couldn't handle the comments I knew I would hear. That makes me so sad, because a non-racist should not be the minority like, EVER.
I'm saying all of this to say that I am beyond lonely. I am completely isolated in a way that I've never experienced. I love being alone, and loneliness is something that I have almost grown fond of, plus in most ways I prefer the company of animals over people. But isolation is really hardcore, and is a feeling I would never wish on anyone. Even back in the day when I was being bullied, I had a few friends that I could commiserate with. I have always made friends easily, and sometimes having too many friends can be taxing on my introverted nature, but damn having only long distance friends and no local people who are somewhat on the same page as me is sometimes I fear really messing with me. Sometimes I ask myself if I suck as a person now that I don't drink, maybe I'm super boring, I don't know. I feel like while maybe not as feisty, I am a much better person not drinking a million beers a day. I don't know, and truthfully I don't even care anymore, because after living in this city for long enough, I think it is a compliment that I am on the outside. And it's propbably a compliment that no one thinks I'm cool enough to hang with. See, being isolated makes you revert back to being a teenager I swear it's made me question myself in ways that I haven't since I was a teenager!
Anyway, it is kind of embarrassing to admit to how isolated I really feel. It's like this dark secret that only I know, and it really is hard some days to shake the empty feelings, and it's hard trying to keep your feelings to yourself, I am an expresser. I have many feelings, and I like to set them free. Sometimes I fear that I will go "postal" on someone, and end up in jail, or psych.
It's so sad that now, to feel some comfort with like minded people, I have to go online! Not that there is anything wrong with that, but how else can I say it, I only have imaginary friends!! Cat friends, and imaginary friends, that is what my life has come to. Thanks for the memories, Pa.
In all seriousness, I just can't deny the cold hard truth, that isolation is no joke, and it isn't a surprise that isolation is a form of punishment. And the fact that I still feel sane for the most part, is a true testament to the power of animal love. These crazy cats literally keep me warm at night
Wow, I am so sorry this was way babblier, and longer than I intended! I hope everyone has a bright and cheerful day, full of like minded people and no ass kicking at Wal-Mart!