Trader Joe's Savory Squares

 SLC does not have Aldi or Grocery Outlet sadly. I really miss those stores. I see on social media that Aldi has recently become very vegan friendly! So the best bang for my buck is Trader Joe's. Unfortunately I had stopped going there for a few years because the store here is so small and so packed all the time I just gave up. The good prices and great selection just weren't worth it. Fortunately a new store opened that's a bit larger with wider aisles. 2025 is going to be better!

These crackers weren't around when I used to shop there regularly. They taste like a cheeze-it or nip. Are cheese nips even still a thing or did the its take over? These are made with almond flour and other nutty seedy things. They're gluten free in addition to vegan. I highly recommend. They taste like a well toasted cheese cracker. They don't have the weird fake almost daiya like flavor some vegan cheese crackers have. They have a nice crunchy texture too. Highly recommend! !0/10

Becoming Functional Again

 I've lived with depression for almost my whole life. I've always considered myself a functioning depressed person. It's always been something I've been able to control somewhat. This last bout has really scared me. I haven't been functioning for a very long time. I can see how I've lost myself bit by bit. It isn't something that just happens overnight. I can see how I've been an active participant in this happening. My soul feels dead because I haven't fed it or cared for it. Part of how I've always functioned is doing things I enjoy. Going to the library, reading, cooking. I've slowly stopped doing all of those things. I mean I still cook to an extent but I lost the joy of it. I stopped trying or creating new recipes. I remember I used to love it when I would get an idea for a meal and it would be a success! It was an accomplishment, and a way to care for and nurture myself. 

I also really enjoyed blogging. It was something I was proud of, and something I didn't give up on in the beginning like I can do when I start a new thing. I enjoyed the little community I had, and I enjoyed it as a creative outlet. 

The thought of blogging again, cooking recipes and just having something to look forward to makes me feel alive. Yesterday I made this delicious, creamy pasta sauce with red lentils, cauliflower, roasted garlic and onions all blended with silken tofu. It was creamy and dreamy. I'm out of practice so I didn't take a picture or write anything down. But it was a start. 

As I said before, Feb. 1st. is going to be my new year start. I'm gong to commit to myself as corny as that might sound.  

I am still depressed and lonely and processing a lot of dark feelings I've been having. I just want to warn anyone who might be interested in reading further posts. I will talk about mental health and feeling like why go on. I will also talk about cats and vegan food. So there will be light and dark. 

I'll be back soon with a recipe and thoughts on a new year new me.

Success!

 I wanted to give an update. I'm actually still in shock and feel hazy and almost drunk. On Friday morning I was at the store getting cat food. An Instagram friend messaged me and told me to check the gfm. An anonymous person donated the amount remaining. Over five thousand dollars. One person! I started crying right in the store! Honestly I still can't believe it. Anyone here who shared or supported thank you. 

I am not going to take this for granted. I am going to find some kind of way to make my life better in some kind of way. I need to have a more secure life. I need some kind of support system and I need to be more financially secure. Living under the poverty line has taken a toll and sucked my soul. 

I got some new pens and a notebook. I'm going to not so much make plans but organize my goals and dreams. The things I need to do to get out of this rut. Live a healthier, happier, more fulfilled life. My brain has been muddled and cloudy. I've been worried, sad, lonely, despondent, grieving, stressed. So many draining feelings. I don't love planning, but I do love a good list. I love a good checking off of an accomplishment. 

Since moving to SLC I've always had goals and plans to improve my life. As a matter of fact that's why I moved here. Somewhere along the way I kept stumbling and stumbling and one day decided to never get back up. 

I'm going to start blogging again. This will still be a vegan blog, but I'm gong to write about my trials and tribulations. Blogging was something I enjoyed, and I just slowly stopped doing things I enjoyed. This will be a way to hold myself accountable since I don't have a life coach, or friend or family member to do this with. 

2025 started out horribly for me. Makes me scared of what's to come. So, Feb. 1st I'm going to celebrate the new year. I'm going to launch into self improvement mode so I never end up here again. 

Hello Take Two

 I have all but given up on everything. I have gone through my share of hard times, but I always had hope that I would be able to make things better in some way. I had dreams and beliefs that at some point they would have to. As long as I kept trying. Trying to do better, be better. In my life I had an eating disorder for over fifteen years but eventually overcame. I smoked cigarettes for many years, it took like a million tries but I quit. I went through a good decade of heavy drinking. Like I'm talking a case or more of beer a day. Every single day of the week. Quit, cold turkey. I've admitted toxic traits I have to myself and worked hard to stop those and improve. I'm still very much a work in progress, I'm just saying that I have been able to overcome and accomplish some things in my life. But Poverty is just something that I have never been able to escape. 

I moved to SLC to try and find a way out. Unfortunately my rent has just about doubled. Wages have not. So, now I'm in a city I hate and haven't been able to pull myself out of anything. As a matter of fact, I'm in worse condition. Each year that's gone by I've gotten more and more hopeless. When you lose hope, you don't just wake up one day with no hope. It chips and cracks away over time. Each day a small amount of your light gets blown out. Until one day you wake up feeling like the most dead inside version of yourself. In my case I've just let everything go. I can't live with this much loneliness and financial insecurity anymore. So, I stopped living. I've now put my cats in jeopardy. They are seniors, I don't want them to rot in a shelter. I watched them being born. They don't deserve this. I hate myself. 

If anyone out there reads this and can donate or even share the link to my gofundme it would mean the world. I have nothing of value to sell, I have reached out to any social service and church, estranged family everything. Thank you. 

https://gofund.me/5dc50b25

Hello

 I can't believe I stopped blogging. Blogging was something that I enjoyed doing. It was a commitment I was proud to keep. It also got me through some very lonely times when I lived in Erie,Pa. 

Moving from Seattle to SLC UT has really taken a toll on me. I tried to continue blogging, but my life became so unhappy I simply didn't have the energy to put on a happy face. I also didn't want to post nothing but negative, complaining content. 

I'm not sure if I'll ever come back to blogging regularly. My life is still extremely unhappy. My soul is pretty crushed. I used to be someone who woke up pretty happy, as the day progressed that would usually change. But I treasured those early morning moments of happiness. Now as soon as I open my eyes unhappiness hits me like a strong slap in the face, 

2024 was a very bad year for me. I had fibroids that were so bad they blocked my bladder. The doctor said one of them was one of the biggest he's seen. I had to have a full hysterectomy shortly after. I was laid off of my job right before the surgery, and fell into a massive depression. I've lived with depression for my whole life. This was one like I've never seen. I lost all sense of reality. I just shifted into a numb feeling of existence. I've fallen behind on rent and need to get caught up fast. In the whole time I've lived here I have made zero friends. I gave up about two years ago. Whatever job I have I'm friendly with coworkers but that's it. I have no couch to surf on. I don't want my cats to go to a shelter. 

My friend from Seattle started a gofundme as a last and only resort. I have zero relationship with my family so reaching out to them as fallen on deaf ears. I'm so unhappy. I don't care about myself, i want my cats to not rot in a shelter. My friend stated the gfm because a couple of months ago I lost my wallet and I've been too poor to get a replacement. It's that bad. Like I said, I have just lost my mind. I'm trying to get my life back together. 

If anyone reads this and can donate or even share it would mean the world. I have been able to oversome drinking, smoking cigarettes, eating disorder. But financial ruin is something that always follows me. 

Thank you for reading and here is a link if anyone can help. 

https://gofund.me/60aa07fc